Q&A: Love yourself

“When do you love yourself most?”

Hmmm.  I genuinely don’t know.  I’ve only in recent years stopped absolutely hating myself, so I’m not entirely certain I would say I ever actually love myself.  I have moments of inflated ego, but that generally has more to do with frustration about the people around me than genuinely thinking I’m awesome.  It’s ‘these people are so fucking stupid I’m fucking Einstein in comparison.’

Even when I do accept that I am smarter than average, I build muscle easier than most people, and there are things that I don’t suck at, it’s generally tainted by feelings of guilt for feeling like I’m better than anyone else.

I guess I feel best about myself when I’m helping someone I care about, specifically through actually useful advice.  Because I get to use my brain and help someone I love at the same time.  Two things I quite enjoy.  Which I suppose explains why despite how angry it makes me, I actually kind of enjoy the worst parts of The Host that make me have to actually think.  Engaging my brain and having to piece things together and then finding a reasonable answer makes me ridiculously happy.  I’m built to problem solve.  So when I can use that for good, it also appeals to my hyper moralism, and I can feel happy, intelligent, and useful all at the same time.


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