Q&A: Purity

Who is the person you know with the purest soul?

Uhhh…  I have no idea.  I don’t think I know anyone who is ‘pure’.  I’ve known some very nice people over the years, but everyone has their faults.

One of my aunt’s is pretty giving, sacrificed years of her life to take care of my grandmother.  But she also keeps helping her son get away with being a sociopath, and she’s nice to a detriment, meaning she’s not willing to stand up for herself at all, even when not doing so left her without anything at all except a mortgage she couldn’t afford and the clothes on her back.  And while some people may think that’s noble, I see that as a flaw, not a sign of pure generosity.

One of my closest friends is very innocent/naive, but she’s also quick to judge other people.

I used to work with a guy who’d give you the shirt off his back if you needed it, and he was always quick to help out if needed.  He’s been picked on and used, but he’s still upbeat and generous despite it.  He’s definitely the most positive person I know at least and I can’t think of anything off the top of my head that he’s prone to doing that’s really all that bad.  So I guess I’ll go with him?  Yeah, let’s go with that.

Check out The Llama’s answer and post your own if you have an example of ‘purity’ you’d like to share!

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Q&A: Compassionate

What is the truest example of compassion you have ever witnessed?

I do have an example of this, but I cannot share it here.  The person it’s about probably wouldn’t even consider it an act of compassion, and that’s part of why it’s the most compassionate thing I’ve witnessed.  Wish I could share, but it’s a secret.

Check out The Llama’s answer and write your own in the comments if you have one you can talk about!

Twilight Chapters 6 and 7

This was done being written on time, but I haven’t found any spare time to actually post the damn thing.  This is what happens when you count on getting a break at work to piss around on the internet because it’s been soooo slooooow lately, I’m sure I’ll have lots of time!  Which is always the time the universe decides to spite you.  Anyway, enjoy.

Chapter 6: Scary Stories

This one is thankfully shorter than chapter 5 and if we’re lucky it will be just as overloaded with dialogue. The more dialogue the less inner monologue!

The chapter starts with Bella complaining. I’m sure you’re shocked. At lunch the day after the blood incident, Jessica is asking her about what happened with Edward at lunch that day and Bella complains that she’s probably just fishing for gossip. Maybe if she had actually established at any point that Jessica was known for spreading gossip I might actually buy that.

She whines that despite knowing Edward wasn’t going to be there, she still kept hoping he would show up. That’s just kind of sad. The nicest thing she has to say is that maybe their trip to the beach won’t be completely miserable.

greatest-office-gifs-ice-cream

Some girl named Lauren gets snippy when they’re leaving the cafeteria and she thinks Bella can’t hear her, saying she thinks Bella should just sit with the Cullen’s instead of them. Bella takes this to be malicious in not wanting her around at all, but I have an alternative theory. Perhaps because the Cullen’s are so insular, other people have tried to befriend them and been pushed away, but now Bella seems to have been welcomed so they assume she’ll eventually just leave them and become just as insular. Perhaps it’s less ‘I don’t like her sitting with us’ and more ‘they think they’re too good for us, soon she will too.’ Mike defends her, but she bitches that it came off ‘territorial’ instead of just being happy someone defended her.

There’s a pointless conversation with Charlie that evening about where Edward said he was going camping and it apparently being bear infested. In the morning the sun wakes her up and she acts like it’ll disappear if she stops staring at it.

Apparently all the teenagers in this small town have their own cars. I have a really hard time buying that. Most small towns (and from what I can tell this one is no exception) aren’t exactly known for having tons of money flowing in. How they could all afford to buy their kids cars, even if they’re cheap used ones, is beyond me. In my bigger town where Llama and I went to high school, most people I knew occasionally had access to a car, but barely anyone had their own vehicle they could use every day to get back and forth from school. I had access to my dad’s truck once I got my licence, and I was pretty much the only one in the house that used the damn thing other than the weekends when my dad would take the dog and go to the woods or lake, but I still only got to use it to get back and forth from school on rare occasions. Llama apparently had access to a car every day, but still. It wasn’t exactly common. Is this different in the US or is Meyer just bad at knowing what kids have access to? Or are all of Bella’s ‘friends’ just the richest people in town? I’m going to go with that since they all seem to be the kids of people who own a store or something rather than people who just happen to work there. It would be awful for Bella to have poor friends. God for fucking bid.

God forbid

This actually raises a new question; how is Bella paying for this truck? She says she had limited funds when she got their and she doesn’t have a job, so how can she keep putting gas in the damn thing?! Where is this money coming from?! If her mom and/or dad are giving her money on a regular basis for it then FUCK YOU SO HARD FOR BEING A BITCH TO YOUR PARENTS YOU ENTITLED LITTLE BRAT! If not, is she selling drugs on the side? Stealing? WHERE IS THIS MONEY COMING FROM?!

Apparently one of the girls is mad at Bella because Bella tripped over her in gym and Bella feels like this is going to be an awful day because she’s going to get bitched about all day. But you know, I’d probably not want to be around the girl that can’t stand up straight without tripping people too. So, you know, there’s only so much sympathy I’ve got for her getting dirty looks all day.

“We’re just waiting for Lee and Samantha… unless you invited someone,” Mike added.

“Nope,” I lied lightly

This is the first outright lie of the chapter. Two pages in. The first technical lie was a lie of omission where she says she’s not going to tell her dad that Edward is taking her to Seattle, but I let that one slide. This one though? No, she admits it’s a lie. And I’m going to keep calling her out on her lies because every chapter she points out how much she doesn’t like lying.

youve-never-seen-a-hypocrite-before

“Will you ride in my car? It’s that or Lee’s mom’s minivan.”

“Sure.”

He smiled blissfully. It was so easy to make Mike happy.

“You can have shotgun,” he promised. I hid my chagrin. It wasn’t as simple to make Mike and Jessica happy at the same time. I could see Jessica glowering at us now

Can’t imagine why. It’s not like she confided in you that she liked Mike and you assured her that she could have him and now you’re responding positively to his affection right in front of her face after having let him believe he still had a chance with you. Oh wait.

Maybe if Bella actually tried to be a decent friend to some of these people that Lauren girl and the one from gym class wouldn’t hate her. But that would require Bella actually being nice to someone.

She spends a few paragraphs talking about how pretty the drive is, which is boring, but at least it’s positive, so I’ll let the needless filler slide. When they get to the beach they build a driftwood bonfire that glows blue. Mike tells her it’s the salt that turns it blue. He’s not wrong, but he sure as hell isn’t right either. Metal salts turn fire blue. Common compounds that cause this are copper, lead and arsenic. Not sea salt. Breathe in the fumes Bella. Breathe deep.

take-a-deep-breath-sherlock-calm-down1

She talks about how when she would go to Forks for the summers before she demanded her dad take her on vacation instead, she used to love coming to this place. She loved the way it looked, she loved having fun with her dad, and she loved the tidal pools the guys are talking about going to see. This re-raises the question of what the fuck was so bad about this place that she decided she never wanted to come back? But whatever. She’s trying to decide whether or not she wants to join them on the hike to the tidal pools or stick by the fire. She’s worried she’s going to trip into the tidal pools so doesn’t want to go, but Lauren decides to stay so she goes anyway.

There’s a whole page talking about the hike and the tidal pools, but absolutely nothing happens. Nothing. No one talks, no one trips, no one does anything except look at the pretty stuff in the water. It sounds pleasant, but entirely unnecessary.

When they get back to the beach the group that stayed behind grew to include some kids from the reservation. Including Jacob, the werewolf. If that’s a spoiler, what are you doing reading these reviews? And another girl named Jessica, as well as 5 other people who Bella never bothered to remember the names of because god forbid we expect her to pay attention to anyone other than herself.

It was relaxing to sit with Angela; she was a restful kind of person to be around

shock and awe

OH MY GOD SHE SAID SOMETHING NICE ABOUT SOMEONE OTHER THAN EDWARD!

It was relaxing to sit with Angela; she was a restful kind of person to be around — she didn’t feel the need to fill every silence with chatter.

ryan-annoyed-o

…Apparently I should read the whole thing before reacting. ‘I liked Angela; she never talked to me.’ Is not a compliment. It’s saying ‘she’s the best because she’s the easiest to ignore’.

Anyway, after everyone else wanders off, Jacob comes over and sits by Bella. She describes him similarly to Edward. And I don’t mean he looks like Edward, he actually is the opposite of him in every way, I mean she uses the same kind of wording. Basically she finds him to be really pretty and wants you to as well. But then it turns out she has to hate him.

“You’re Isabella Swan, aren’t you?”

It was like the first day of school all over again.

“Bella,” I sighed.

How dare he not be psychic! Anyway, he’s the youngest child of the guy Charlie bought her truck from. He has two older sisters who Charlie and Billy used to set up on play dates while they went fishing.

Of course, I’d kicked up enough tantrums to end the fishing trips by the time I was eleven.

I hate you Bella. So much. Just, so very, very much.

Edward hates you too

Edward hates you too

 

I am thankful to learn that neither of the sisters are there anymore, both having left the area. That means fewer characters for Bella to hate on.

They talk for a while about the truck and it’s boring but dialogue takes space away from Bella’s hateful thoughts, so I like it. Jacob apparently is making it obvious he likes her (of course he likes her. Everyone likes her. Why? She’s horrible! She’s not described as being really attractive and she sure as fuck isn’t nice or interesting, so why does everyone like her?! I DON’T GET IT!) and that makes Lauren unhappy. Supposedly.

“You know Bella, Jacob?” Lauren asked — in what I imagined was an insolent tone — from across the fire.

So she doesn’t actually know it’s an insolent tone, she’s just assuming. Bella goes on to describe her as having ‘fishy’ eyes. I don’t know if she means ‘fishy’ as in suspicious, or if she thinks Lauren looks like a fish. I legitimately can’t tell, the way she puts it.

Lauren asks if Bella knows if the Cullen’s were invited, but before she can answer the guy she didn’t bother catching the name of earlier says that the Cullen’s don’t come to their area. Tyler then distracts Lauren with a CD because apparently she’s a magpie.

I was still turning over the brief comment on the Cullens, and I had a sudden inspiration. It was a stupid plan, but I didn’t have any better ideas. I hoped that young Jacob was as yet inexperienced around girls, so that he wouldn’t see through my sure-to be-pitiful attempts at flirting.

lowest creature

You. Fucking. Bitch. At least with Mike she kind of seemed to be trying not to hurt him, or at least using that as her excuse to avoid coming clean about her lack of feelings for him. She is outright saying she is going to intentionally string Jacob along to get information about Edward, the guy she actually wants. THIS IS VERY HORRIBLE AND IF YOU DO THIS YOU ARE A TERRIBLE FUCKING PERSON! Men have feelings too you know! In fact many studies have shown that men have a harder time recovering after rejection/break ups than women because we’re shitty about talking to each other about emotions so they kind of stick in there and eat away at us. So this isn’t some victimless crime here. This is her playing with the emotions of someone who will be hurt by it. And since he has done ABSOLUTELY nothing to her AT ALL, this is just exceptionally cruel.

“So you’re, what, sixteen?” I asked, trying not to look like an idiot as I fluttered my eyelids the way I’d seen girls do on TV.

“I just turned fifteen,” he confessed, flattered.

“Really?” My face was full of false surprise. “I would have thought you were older.”

This is the point in this book where my levels of rage are so strong that if I weren’t doing this blog I would print off the PDF copy of this book and light it on fire on my deck.

“Do you come up to Forks much?” I asked archly, as if I was hoping for a yes. I sounded idiotic to myself. I was afraid he would turn on me with disgust and accuse me of my fraud, but he still seemed flattered.

Did you catch that? It’s subtle. She just called him an idiot. When Twilight had its turn being popular my roommate’s girlfriend was all over this fucking series. She loved the books and dragged him to all the movies, and made him read the books. He told me once that they weren’t actually that bad. He was clearly confused. But I bring that up to point out that I couldn’t even escape this crap in my own apartment, so I am painfully aware that there is a ‘team Jacob’, and that that means that people actually want Bella to end up with him at the end of the series. My question is why? So far he has been very nice to her, and she is being the biggest bitch in the entire town. Set him up with Jessica or Angela! Or your own little self-insert character! Why would you want a character you like to end up with someone so horrible?!

i-m-so-confused-o

She flirts with him some more till Jacob admits that the Cullen’s aren’t allowed on the reserve. He says he’s not allowed to tell her why, but then one smile from her and he spills the beans. Dumbass. And yes I do know I just gave Bella shit for calling him stupid, but that was before he was actually acting stupid.

Jacob tells her that the natives on the reserve are werewolves (to which she doesn’t have any reaction at all) and that the Cullen’s are ‘the cold ones’ who are banned from the reserve by his great grandfather. They are the enemies of werewolves and normally would be killed by them, but because the Cullen’s were different and didn’t hunt humans, they were left alive as long as they stayed off the reserve. He outs them as vampires.

Part of the peace pact between the reserve and the Cullen’s was not revealing their nature to the ‘pale faces’. So by telling Bella, he’s risking starting a war between them and ending a generations old truce. Because a girl flirted with him. Awesome. He still doesn’t deserve to get dicked around, but wow. That’s a special level of dumb right there.

“I guess I just violated the treaty,” he laughed.

“I’ll take it to the grave,” I promised, and then I shivered.

Liar.

Mike shows up and Jacob asks if he’s her boyfriend.

“No, definitely not,” I whispered. I was tremendously grateful to Jacob, and eager to make him as happy as possible. I winked at him, carefully turning away from Mike to do so. He smiled, elated by my inept flirting.

Note how she made a point to turn away from Mike to wink and whispers her response, so she can keep leading Mike on too. I’m starting to doubt she’s not telling them she doesn’t like them on purpose instead of just out of wanting to avoid uncomfortable situations. Mike does still defend her in gym class and to Lauren, so maybe she wants him to keep liking her so he’ll keep defending her. Note also that she’s going out of her way to keep Jacob on the hook too.

Hagan-i-dont-like-you

“So when I get my license…” he began.

“You should come see me in Forks. We could hang out sometime.” I felt guilty as I said this, knowing that I’d used him. But I really did like Jacob. He was someone I could easily be friends with.

Except you know that’s not what he wants. You counted on that fact. You abused that fact. But you’re going to make it okay to yourself because you want to be friends with him, so it’s not a complete lie?! FUCK YOU!

This whole chapter she’s been making a point of saying how young or old people look. She’s 17, the oldest kid is 19, and Jacob is 15. I don’t recall there being a huge difference in people’s appearances around these ages. How the hell does she know people are ‘too old to be in high school’ when they’re only a year older than the average grad?

She promises to go with Charlie next time he goes to see Billy, and then they go home. End of chapter. Thank fuck.

Chapter 7: Nightmare

The titular nightmare is Bella in the woods being called to by Jacob and Mike, and then Edward shows up and she goes to him, Jacob turns into a wolf and tries to kill Edward. This couldn’t be less obvious if she was beating someone over the head with a Vampire The Masquerade book.

This chapter is so very boring… She goes on the internet and looks up vampire myths. She clings to the one myth she finds that mentions good vampires. And of course that’s what they’re going to turn out to be. I’m now on page 7 of this chapter. There is simply nothing worth talking about. It’s just bitching about the internet being slow, bitching that Forks is making her a crazy person, bitching about Charlie, bitching that the myths don’t fit Edward…

She goes for a walk in the woods and decides she’s not crazy, that vampires are real, and Edward is one. That’s another 3 pages of descriptions of trees and Bella bitching.

Bored Now

She decides that she can’t leave Edward alone like he suggested because the thought of doing so leaves her ‘in agony’. Seriously. They’ve had all of three conversations that weren’t a fight, and not being with him makes her ‘in agony’ and ‘despair’. This is not healthy. At all. Not even a little. I know teen romances are stupid, but wow. She decided that he is a blood sucking monster, and he’s warned her that he’s dangerous to her, and she barely knows him AT ALL, but she CANNOT be away from him. No. Just no.

And I knew in that I had my answer. I didn’t know if there ever was a choice, really. I was already in too deep.

Let me say this again; THREE conversations that weren’t a fight. Three.  And all three of those conversations did contain small fights, so they aren’t even three genuinely friendly conversations.

She goes back home, does her homework and goes to bed. The next morning she talks about how it’s sunny out, and then goes on about how when Charlie smiles she can almost see why her mom married him. I find this incredibly condescending. She says that most of the man her mother was attracted to has faded away, but that she sees glimpses of why they fell in love and married ‘too quickly’. It sounds like she’s putting all the blame on Charlie. But we still have no idea why she left except that Bella said that her mom hated Forks as much as she does. And you know, maybe she wouldn’t hate Forks so fucking much if her mom hadn’t made it sound like the fact that he wouldn’t leave there is the reason she grew up without a present father! Maybe she wouldn’t think the rain was the worst thing ever if her mother hadn’t been trying so hard to get away from it that she went to a fucking DESERT and passed on that hate to her daughter!

I know it takes two to make a relationship work so I am not trying to say that Renee was a bitch for leaving him because fucked if I know what actually happened at this point. I’m just saying it seems really unfair from where I’m standing for her to constantly hate on her father when all the info we have so far implies that Renee left him because of Forks not because of anything he did.

By dint of much elbow grease, I was able to get both windows in the truck almost completely rolled down.

…Dint? Dint… That says dint. What the fuck is dint?

dint  (dnt)

n.

  1. Force or effort; power: succeeded by dint of hard work.
  2. A dent.

tr.v. dint·ed, dint·ing, dints

  1. To put a dent in.

  2. To impress or drive in forcibly

‘By force/effort of much elbow grease’ …nope, still doesn’t sound right… Why would she use that word? Why not just say, ‘with some elbow grease’? Word of the Day calendar?

Anyway, now that I’ve had that weird little moment, she gets to school early and goes over her homework. She comments that it’s already done because she has a ‘slow social life’. Because apparently the only kids that actually do their homework on time are the losers. Fuck you too Bella. Fuck you too.

fuck you too

Mike shows up, they talk about her homework, she says that she did her English essay on misogyny in Shakespeare. Considering the first half of this chapter had her choosing a man she barely knows over her own physical and mental well-being because he’s pretty, I find that kind of insulting. Like Meyer actually gives a shit about feminism.

“I was going to ask if you wanted to go out.”

“Oh.” I was taken off guard. Why couldn’t I ever have a pleasant conversation with Mike anymore without it getting awkward?

Because you keep going out of your way to make him think he still has a chance with you! You hid your comment about him not being your boyfriend from him. You told him the only reason you weren’t asking him to the dance was because you were going to Seattle, not because you weren’t interested. You told him to go with Jessica just so he could still enjoy the dance, not because she liked him and you thought they would make a cute couple (that’s what she said to him; that he should still enjoy the dance, so he should just take Jessica up on her request and have fun) you sat next to him on the ride to the beach instead of suggesting Jessica sit there. You went with him on the hike at the beach which he didn’t know was just because you were avoiding Lauren. If you want him to stop asking you out, tell him to stop asking you out instead of constantly telling him he still has a fucking chance you stupid twit!

plague

“Mike…” I hated being put on the spot. “I don’t think that would be the best idea.”

His face fell. “Why?” he asked, his eyes guarded. My thoughts flickered to Edward, wondering if that’s where his thoughts were as well.

“I think… and if you ever repeat what I’m saying right now I will cheerfully beat you to death,” I threatened, “but I think that would hurt Jessica’s feelings.”

She managed to put so many of my problems with her in one short bit.  Fantastic

She managed to put so many of my problems with her in one short bit. Fantastic

 

Remember that time she said she wasn’t a violent person? I do. Also remember that time I called her a twit for constantly telling him he still has a chance? That feels so long ago… But yeah, that’s what she’s doing here. Again. ‘I’m not turning you down because I don’t like you, I’m turning you down because the girl I keep pretending is my friend likes you and I don’t want to hurt her feelings! But remember, I do like you, she’s the one getting in the way!’

He’s shocked, she gets pissy at him for not knowing Jess likes him (which is admittedly kind of dense of him) and then while he’s still confused she literally runs away without explaining anything further. So she leads him on, then she gets mad at him. Yeah, this is really the character I want to keep reading about. If you want to read a book about an overdramatic twit obsessed with prettiness and terrified of aging (that comes up later in the series) read The Picture of Dorian Grey. So very, very much better. And you’re supposed to think he’s an entitled jackass.

When I saw Jessica in Trig, she was bubbling with enthusiasm. She, Angela, and Lauren were going to Port Angeles tonight to go dress shopping for the dance, and she wanted me to come, too, even though I didn’t need one.

See what I’ve been saying about Jessica? Bella has been nothing but mean to her, she even did that whole thing I bitched about in the last chapter with responding to Mike’s flirtations in front of Jessica’s face, and she’s still trying to involve her. She genuinely wants Bella around, and her opinion on things even after Bella has been so mean to her. Jessica just seems to be a really naïve, nice young girl, and Bella is constantly ignoring her or bitching about her. Jess would be well within her rights to not want Bella there at all. Or to stop talking to her, period.

I was far too lost in my own frenzy of anticipation to notice much of what she said. I was painfully eager to see not just him but all the Cullens — to compare them with the new suspicions that plagued my mind.

Hold off your judgement. This isn’t the bad part yet.

As was my routine, I glanced first toward the Cullens ‘ table. A shiver of panic trembled in my stomach as I realized it was empty. With dwindling hope, my eyes scoured the rest of the cafeteria, hoping to find him alone, waiting for me. The place was nearly filled — Spanish had made us late — but there was no sign of Edward or any of his family. Desolation hit me with crippling strength.

I shambled along behind Jessica, not bothering to pretend to listen anymore.

there it is

Congratulations Bella; you topped my rage meter beyond what you did to Jacob!

Seriously. SERIOUSLY. I can’t even WORDS. She’s SO UPSET that Edward isn’t there she’s stopped even PRETENDING to listen. She wasn’t even listening in the first place, and now she’s so heartbroken that they took an extra day for their camping trip (well, they stayed home because it was sunny, but she doesn’t know that) that she can’t even PRETEND to listen to someone she CLAIMS is a friend who JUST A FEW MINUTES BEFORE went out of her way to make Bella feel included and wanted. You can’t even show her the basic fucking decency of paying attention to what she’s saying because you’re so obsessed with listening to your own thoughts, and then SO SAD that he’s not there, that you can’t even PRETEND you like her more than you like the sound of your own thoughts! Dorian Grey was NICER than you, and he dumped a woman who he was engaged to marry because she sucked at acting! AND murdered someone!   At least when his friend talked he actually fucking paid attention! Or at least had the decency of TELLING the poor guy he was boring him.

THAT’S RIGHT! I JUST SAID A MURDERER IS NICER THAN BELLA. And I fucking stand by it!

The rest of the day passed slowly, dismally. In Gym, we had a lecture on the rules of badminton, the next torture they had lined up for me. But at least it meant I got to sit and listen instead of stumbling around on the court. The best part was the coach didn’t finish, so I got another day off tomorrow. Never mind that the day after they would arm me with a racket before unleashing me on the rest of the class.

In what universe does it take two days to learn the rules of Badminton? It’s a pretty simple game… It’s also really hard to hurt anyone since the birdie barely weighs anything at all.

intorduction_badmintonfffff

I was glad to leave campus, so I would be free to pout and mope before I went out tonight with Jessica and company.

First: campus, like ‘dint’ above, is technically correct here. But no one uses it to colloquially refer to a high school. No one.

Second: you need to be free to pout and mope? Pretty sure you’ve been doing that since you noticed he wasn’t there.

Apparently though Mike asked Jessica out on a date so they’re putting off the dress shopping till the next day. Bella says she tries to be happy that he asked her out, but she specifies that it’s that she’s happy Mike is finally catching on that she doesn’t want to date him. Not that she’s happy Jessica got a date with the guy she liked.  What Bella thinks is that it’s awesome having someone around to toss off your unwanted scraps to. FUCK. YOU. And she specifies also that as much as she wishes she could be happy, she can’t be, because it meant that Jessica was rescheduling the plans she had only agreed to to distract her from the lack of Edward. I cannot think of a strong enough epithet to shout at this book.

So I'll use them all

So I’ll use them all

She wants to be happy that using her friend is finally paying off, but it means her other way she was currently using her ‘friend’ got pushed off, so she is upset that her two abuses of this poor girl conflicted.

She goes online and checks her email. She has apparently been ignoring her emails from her mother for days again. Pretty sure it was only two chapters ago she tried to garner sympathy from Edward by saying her mother was her best friend. That’s what you do to your best friend right? Ignore them? And then get mad that they aren’t more patient with you because their annoyance that you can’t even be bothered to check your email once in several days (when she was online for a few hours the day before researching vampires) is an inconvenience to you? That’s totally friendship and love and respect! Yeah! Bella was the responsible one and her mom was the useless scatterbrained one right? Totally.

Outside in Charlie’s small, square yard, I folded the quilt in half and laid it out of the reach of the trees’ shadows on the thick lawn that would always be slightly wet, no matter how long the sun shone.

That is just not how anything at all works.

doesn't work that way

She lays in the sun, sulks that Jane Austin used names that start with ‘Ed’ too often, and sunbathes until Charlie comes home. Edward is creepily stalking her, but she doesn’t know that (it’s just obvious to anyone with a brain) she just knows that she feels like she’s not alone, and goes inside to see Charlie.

“Dad,” I said during a commercial, “Jessica and Angela are going to look at dresses for the dance tomorrow night in Port Angeles, and they wanted me to help them choose… do you mind if I go with them?”

“Jessica Stanley?” he asked.

“And Angela Weber.” I sighed as I gave him the details.

He was confused. “But you’re not going to the dance, right?”

“No, Dad, but I’m helping them find dresses — you know, giving them constructive criticism.” I wouldn’t have to explain this to a woman.

Fuck you Meyer. I’m not even dignifying this with a rebuttal.

“We’ll leave right after school, so we can get back early. You’ll be okay for dinner, right?”

“Bells, I fed myself for seventeen years before you got here,” he reminded me.

“I don’t know how you survived,” I muttered, then added more clearly, “I’ll leave some things for cold-cut sandwiches in the fridge, okay? Right on top.”

FUCK.

YOU.

WHY ARE THERE NOT STRONGER CURSE WORDS IN MY VOCABULARY?!

Aahhhhhhh

She presumed from day fucking one that he couldn’t cook rather than giving him any chance at all. Maybe she doesn’t like what he was eating, but that’s still no reason to treat you FATHER with that kind of disrespect! He didn’t have to let you move in with him you know! He could have said no! He wanted you there for some fucking reason. He loves you. Because he’s your dad! And you are treating him like a fucking child! I’m pretty sure he can find the fucking sandwich meat without you telling him which fucking SHELF it’s on!  I wouldn’t talk like that to my five year old niece!

I would like to take a moment away from the section of this chapter currently threatening to give me an aneurism and point out that none of her concern over Edward has been that something happened to him and his family while they were out camping.  In the area she was informed is full of bears.  No, the concern is that he left her and won’t come back in time to take her to Seattle. It never even crosses her mind that they might all be missing school because something bad happened like there was a death in their family outside town or anything. It’s all about her. If someone I care about disappears without explanation my first thought tends to be ‘OMG I hope they’re okay!’ not ‘OMG they’re leaving me without telling me!’ It takes a special kind of selfishness for that to not just be your first thought, but your only thought.

Before leaving for dress shopping Bella leaves her dad a note telling him, again, where she left the sandwich meats. I’m pretty sure you can hear me saying ‘fuck you Bella’ to that by now. I shouldn’t even have to type it at this point.

The chapter ends, and my blood pressure is grateful.

relief

The last year and a half or so I’ve been working on my depression. I used to get depressed a lot, but I don’t anymore. Not to the extent I used to.  Part of that is that my situation is better, part of it though is that I’ve got a list in my head of everything about my life that I genuinely appreciate, and I add to it on a regular basis, and I go over it in my head a couple of times a day. I also go out of my way to say ‘I appreciate you doing this for me’ and such to people who help me, or who just listen to me rant for a while when something goes especially horrible.  Or just friends who have been good friends in general.

I bring this up, because I want to say something I appreciate about this book. I appreciate that this book is only 24 chapters and an epilogue instead of the 60 chapters of The Host. I appreciate that so very, very much. I don’t even care that there’s three more books after this one. I just care that this one is shorter than The Host.

How can this book suck so hard? Someone PLEASE tell me why this is so well liked. PLEASE! EXPLAIN IT TO ME! I DON’T UNDERSTAND! If you like it because you see yourself in Bella then I’m sorry but you are a BAD PERSON and you should take a good look at how you view the world and the people around you! If it’s because you like Edward and/or Jacob, then I still don’t see how you can like this book because the whole thing is about them wanting to be with a girl who doesn’t deserve ANYONE’S love! I DON’T GET IT!

Ugh. Whatever. Till next time, check out The Llama’s take on these chapters (she goes into way more detail on the first half of chapter 7 than I could). I’m going to curl up and weep that this got popular.

A Long-Dead Mother is Kidnapped.

So I was looking at a writing prompt site, and one of the prompts that appeared was ‘A long-dead mother is kidnapped.’ And I couldn’t resist writing the following:

———————————————————————-

A middle aged man sits alone in his living room reading the paper. He reached one hand up to push his glasses back up the bridge of his nose and turned the page. His cell phone sitting on the coffee table begins vibrating.

‘Who would be calling me at this hour?’ he wonders. He picks up the phone and frowns that he doesn’t recognize the number or even the area code.

“Hello?”

“I’ve got your mom! I’m going to slit her fucking throat if you don’t show up at Wembley Park tomorrow at midnight with 500 grand in cash!” He could hear a muffled woman’s voice crying in the background coming from the other line.

“My mother died four years ago. I think you have the wrong number.” He answered dryly.

“What? Seriously?”

“Fraid so.”

“Shit… Your name isn’t Carl?”

“Francis.”

“Dammit… Sorry to have bothered you!” The caller hung up.

Francis looked at his phone with a small frown and a raised brow. He set it back on the table with a sigh and returned to reading his paper.

Twilight Chapter 5

Just one chapter today. Time issues happened and I wanted to put something up at least because I really don’t want to go back to just putting things off till it’s ‘done’ and getting back into not getting anything done at all. But I did make this one a little more detailed since it’s stand alone. Hopefully more than one chapter on Thursday!

Chapter 5: Blood Type

This chapter is nearly twice the length of the last chapter. Whhhyyyyyyy

Just_Why

It wasn’t till class ended that I realized Mike wasn’t sitting in his usual seat next to me. I felt a twinge of guilt. But he and Eric both met me at the door as usual, so I figured I wasn’t totally unforgiven.

Seriously, if you want these guys to leave you alone, you sure as hell aren’t acting like it. She’s bitched and moaned multiple times about how horrible it is that they won’t leave her alone. She goes on about how she wants Mike to stop following her around. These guys just got rejected and probably feel let down and just need some space.

Mike seemed to become more himself as we walked, gaining enthusiasm as he talked about the weather report for this weekend. The rain was supposed to take a minor break, and so maybe his beach trip would be possible. I tried to sound eager, to make up for disappointing him yesterday. It was hard; rain or no rain, it would still only be in the high forties, if we were lucky.

Unless you’re planning to do a new take on the ice bucket challenge, no one is going to the beach at that temperature. Anyone that does is a crazy person.

Jessica babbled on and on about her dance plans — Lauren and Angela had asked the other boys and they were all going together — completely unaware of my inattention.

I asked before why Bella was friends with Jessica since she clearly seems to hate the poor girl, but I think a better question is why is Jessica friends with Bella? As far as I can tell she puts in genuine effort to be nice to this awful excuse for a human being, but all Bella ever does is ignore her and use her. If Jessica could hear the things Bella thinks about her she’d be perfectly justified to punch her in the goddamn face.

Disappointment flooded through me as my eyes unerringly focused on his table. The other four were there, but he was absent. Had he gone home? I followed the still-babbling Jessica through the line, crushed. I’d lost my appetite — I bought nothing but a bottle of lemonade. I just wanted to go sit down and sulk.

“Edward Cullen is staring at you again,” Jessica said, finally breaking through my abstraction with his name. “I wonder why he’s sitting alone today.”

See what I mean? She talks again about how she’s ‘babbling’ but then, suddenly Jessica is saying something about Edward and low and behold she’s worth listening to again. I don’t think Bella understands what being a friend actually means.

Don't know what it means

Edward invites her to sit with him and Jessica seems shocked. Bella feels insulted by her shock because she takes it to mean someone like him would never want to sit with someone like her, but come on. The entire time she’s been at that school save the one day in biology where they did a lab together, they’ve been at each other’s throats if they’ve even acknowledged each other’s existence. It is not unreasonable for Jessica to find this confusing! BELLA finds this confusing so why the fuck does she think Jessica isn’t allowed to?! Oh right, because she’s a FUCKING BITCH.

I sat down automatically, watching him with caution. He was still smiling. It was hard to believe that someone so beautiful could be real. I was afraid that he might disappear in a sudden puff of smoke, and I would wake up.

Just so much fuck you. So much.

They start talking, he says he’s putting himself through hell anyway so he might as well go all the way, Bella is confused. Anyone that knows the existence of the series at all knows what this means, and honestly if he were hitting on anyone actually worth hitting on I would actually be okay with this particular exchange. The fact that Bella sucks so goddamn hard makes me wish he would just eat her instead of flirting though.

whos hungry

Maybe this says more about me than the book, but I actually would probably be doing pretty much the same thing he is during this conversation… In fact I’ve had similar conversations where I go back and forth intentionally confusing the hell out of the person I’m talking to with a smug grin on my face the whole time. Basically he’s saying he wants her (in more ways than one) and saying he’s tired of trying to stay away from her, so he’s going to do what he wants to do instead of what he felt he should be doing. And she has no idea he’s inferring he could very well end up murdering her violently. And… yeah, that is totally something I would do in that situation… Given that I know he gets incredibly, disturbingly creepy later in the book I don’t know how I feel about that.

“So, in plain English, are we friends now?”

“Friends…” he mused, dubious.

“Or not,” I muttered.

He grinned. “Well, we can try, I suppose. But I’m warning you now that I’m not a good friend for you.” Behind his smile, the warning was real.

“You say that a lot,” I noted, trying to ignore the sudden trembling in my stomach and keep my voice even.

“Yes, because you’re not listening to me. I’m still waiting for you to believe it. If you’re smart, you’ll avoid me.”

She’s dumb as a post. But seriously, he’s being kind of fair here… He’s not telling her the nature of the risk, but he reasonably can’t. He’s telling her his choice is to be around her, but she should choose to ignore his advances and keep her distance for her own good. He is being clear, consistent, and constant. This is the third or fourth time he’s said it now. He keeps giving her a chance to back away and she keeps walking forward because she’s obsessed with how pretty he is. I don’t know. I know he gets stalkery, and obviously he’s a creeper for doing that, but seriously, when a guy is telling you ‘no, really, it’s in your best interest to avoid me’, you should probably listen.

listen-to-me

They come to an agreement, but he asks what she’s thinking. She tells him that she’s trying to figure out what he is, which gets him tense. He asks if she’s got any theories, she says she does, and thinks, but doesn’t say, that she’s been comparing him to Batman and Spiderman in her mind. He asks what her theories are and she won’t tell him because apparently knowing the names of comic book characters is embarrassing (soooo much fuck you, Bella. So much).

“That’s really frustrating, you know,” he complained.

“No,” I disagreed quickly, my eyes narrowing, “I can’t imagine why that would be frustrating at all — just because someone refuses to tell you what they’re thinking, even if all the while they’re making cryptic little remarks specifically designed to keep you up at night wondering what they could possibly mean… now, why would that be frustrating?”

He grimaced.

“Or better,” I continued, the pent-up annoyance flowing freely now, “say that person also did a wide range of bizarre things — from saving your life under impossible circumstances one day to treating you like a pariah the next, and he never explained any of that, either, even after he promised. That, also, would be very non-frustrating.”

“You’ve got a bit of a temper, don’t you?”

“I don’t like double standards.”

We need to talk...

We need to talk…

Nope, trust me, as someone who has one; that’s an anger problem. That’s not just getting pissed at double standards, that’s going from a calm and normal conversation where you seemed fairly relaxed to immediately getting defensively pissed off way faster than most people would. Had this been a more tense scene, or even the one the day before where he asked her to Seattle and she was mad at him at the start, then this reaction would be perfectly normal.  But it wasn’t.

Plus, seriously, how many times do I have to discuss the fact that him getting cold after saving her wasn’t unexplained or unreasonable?! YOU WERE BEING A FUCKING BITCH! He is being unreasonable by being frustrated at you for not telling him everything. No argument here on that at all. But not to the point where you should be biting his head off over every single thing that he’s ever done that you didn’t like. It’s not like you guys had been good friends or dating or anything when all of this happened. You’d barely even spoken. Also I highly doubt his cryptic remarks were ‘specifically designed’ to keep you up at night. He doesn’t know you. He has no obligation to tell you all his fucking secrets you self centered little brat!

justbecool_zpse6882f12

I have actually skimmed over a few things that Edward has done that I’ve felt were kind of shitty because Bella’s obnoxious shittiness just completely over powers everything else in this goddamn book. So in fairness I will point out some problems with other characters:

Mike, Eric and Tyler have serious boundary issues and need to start picking up on the signals Bella is sending. She’s clearly a hateful bitch and she’s probably putting off some physical signs she doesn’t want them around. Tyler in particular she’s told to stop apologizing to her about the car accident and he’s ignored her requests more than once and that isn’t right. He should respect her wishes and back off, especially if he really is sorry for what he did.

Charlie is not a terribly attentive father. But I have a hard time really faulting him for that since he’s never really had to be one.  He’s clearly trying, but just doesn’t know what he’s doing, so I don’t know if I should have even given him a paragraph here.

Edward has been a dick multiple times. He’s constantly smug, and intentionally vague. The vagueness is understandable, but the smugness is less so. A little smugness can be cute for flirting, too much is clearly an indication of genuinely thinking you’re better than the person you’re talking to. Though he’s always talking to Bella, so maybe that’s justified. He’s also being conflicting with his ‘stay away from me’ message. He’s flirting with her while telling her to back off despite that it’s pretty obvious she finds him attractive, so he’s basically saying ‘I know you’re not going to listen, because I’m playing my pied pipers flute while telling you to walk away, so I can assuage my guilt because I technically gave you fair warning.’ And that’s a pretty massive dick move.

Jessica hasn’t done anything actually wrong and Bella should really piss off and cut that poor girl a break. She seems nice.

This is what I want Jessica to say to Bella

This is what I want Jessica to say to Bella

Having said that, every single one of those things I have said are things that only came up once or twice in the entire book so far, and are all punctuated on both sides by Bella being terrible. I cannot emphasis that enough. Every. Single. Paragraph. Bella is saying something horrible about someone or over dramatic whining about the weather.

They have some more back and forth, it’s relatively normal and thankfully because of the spacing, takes up a couple of pages so that’s a few fewer pages of Bella’s thoughts I have to read. She asks Edward if he’ll give her fair warning next time he intends to go all radio dead air on her and he says he will. But he asks if she’ll answer a question for him in return and she agrees.

“Tell me one theory.”

Whoops. “Not that one.”

Don’t think too far ahead do you?

He looked down, and then glanced up at me through his long black lashes, his ocher eyes scorching.

That does not sound right… Why does that make me feel gross to read? Oh right…

2011-12-02-sexy

More back and forth, she complains that his prettiness is hypnotizing and she caves and tells him one of her theories. They have a little super hero origin story nerd off, and again, if I didn’t hate Bella with every fibre of my being this would probably be a conversation I would totally have and that kind of pisses me off.

“What if I’m not a superhero? What if I’m the bad guy?” He smiled playfully, but his eyes were impenetrable.

“Oh,” I said, as several things he’d hinted fell suddenly into place. “I see.”

Really? You’re just putting that together now? How fucking dense are you?! What did I say earlier about listening when someone tells you it’s in your best interest to stay away from them?!

“You’re dangerous?” I guessed, my pulse quickening as I intuitively realized the truth of my own words. He was dangerous. He’d been trying to tell me that all along. He just looked at me, eyes full of some emotion I couldn’t comprehend.

“But not bad,” I whispered, shaking my head. “No, I don’t believe that you’re bad.”

I’m just going to sit here and bash my head against the wall for a while. Don’t mind me.

Weep then die

“You’re wrong.” His voice was almost inaudible. He looked down, stealing my bottle lid and then spinning it on its side between his fingers. I stared at him, wondering why I didn’t feel afraid. He meant what he was saying — that was obvious. But I just felt anxious, on edge… and, more than anything else, fascinated. The same way I always felt when I was near him.

First thing: anxiousness and feeling on edge are indicators of fear. Also, being fascinated by something doesn’t mean you aren’t afraid of it. I’m terrified of spiders but I know way more about spiders than anyone with a fear of them reasonably should. Second thing: you’re a fucking moron. If someone is telling you they are dangerous, flat out telling you they are a danger, and you should stay away, do not ignore them just because they give you butterflies in your tummy. If you do, I will personally place the Darwin award at your grave.

Bella realizes lunch is almost over and they should be getting to class, but Edward says he’s skipping. She declares she’s going to class anyway, but then hesitates and almost sticks around with him before bolting to class anyway. The teacher gets out a kit and starts pricking people’s fingers. Apparently there’s a blood drive in a nearby city and so he’s decided to take this as an opportunity to show everyone how to type blood. This is clearly why Edward was skipping, but again, we don’t know that yet.

Bella apparently gets sickly at the sight of blood. That’s one phobia I’ve never understood personally, especially for women, but whatever. Anyone who’s seen me kill a spider knows I have no room to pick on anyone for their phobias. The teacher tells someone to take her to the nurse and obviously it’s Mike that does it.

firm grasp of the obvious

She gets Mike to stop and let her sit on a bench when they’re outside and away from the class. And I’m starting to get why Meyer decided the school was multiple buildings. If it was all one, she couldn’t have her go outside like this to get to the nurse and run into Edward and have him and Mike fight over her. Which is exactly what happens. Mike acts like an obnoxious little brat who doesn’t want someone else to take his toy away and Edward just ignores him completely, scoops Bella up in his arms which she gushes over while also being horrified not wanting to puke on him.

Edward starts picking on her for what happened, though he wasn’t actually told, so since Bella seems to pick up on all of his behaviour and immediately build conspiracy theories around it, the fact that she says nothing about that fact is plot convenience at its best. You could say it was because she’s sick at the moment, but she certainly didn’t seem to have any issues keeping track of things while she was being tossed around like a rag doll in the van incident, so I don’t accept that excuse.

Apparently despite Mike following them, he doesn’t actually go into the nurse’s station. This is not explained. There’s a few pages of absolutely pointless back and forth that comes off normal enough. It’s weird to me that so much of the back and forth between these characters when Bella isn’t being angry and Edward isn’t being emo actually comes off as real dialogue. Bella is so hateful in her internal monologue and she has absolutely no conversational rapport with anyone else, but the bits that are just normal talking between these two? They’re genuinely not badly written. They’re not even just decently written, I could actually understand why they might have a thing for each other, if I didn’t know what she actually thought! If this was third person instead of first and we didn’t have to listen to her go on about how much she hates him before she acts like she’s in love with him, this might have been salvageable. Maybe. At least this far into the book anyway.

Basically, just take Bella out of the book and it could be good. Sadly Bella is the entire goddamn book.

Anyway, apparently Mike had gone back to the classroom, and apparently while he was there, another kid had to be taken to the nurse. Edward advices Bella to leave before she sees him and she bolts. He gets confused as to why she’s listening to him and she says she can smell the blood so she knew what was coming.

“People can’t smell blood,” he contradicted.

…Apparently I’m not people. And apparently Bella isn’t either. She describes that it smells like rust and salt and that’s what makes her sick. So she probably shouldn’t be going to a beach on the ocean, but whatever. She has a sad little exchange with Mike where it’s pretty clear he knows she likes Edward, not him, and gets mopey while also making sure she’s still going to the beach with him and his friends which I still think is a massively stupid idea. But she says she’s still going, and then he reminds her she has gym class after this, which, after Mike leaves, Edward helps her lie to get out of. Because, again, she’s totally not a liar you guys. You know, except when it suits her needs. But that doesn’t count.

screaming internally

Edward cons the nurse into letting him take Bella home, and the nurse gets all flirty with him which is creepy on so many levels, but Bella just wonders why she can’t ‘flutter’ like the nurse is. I think she means flirt, or maybe flutter her eye lashes? Never really understood why that was supposed to be attractive though. I’ve always thought it looks like you’re trying to shake something out of your eye lashes… But Bella wishes she could do it instead of thinking about how weird it is that the nurse is flirting with a minor and Edward escorts her out of the building.

Bella invites him to go to the beach with them on the weekend, but I actually think that’s kind of horrible of her to do. Mike made it abundantly clear, and she pointed out how clear it was so she definitely got the message, that Edward was not invited. So she’s doing this knowing how uncomfortable it’s going to make him simply because it suits her. Things like this are why I can’t get passed how horrible she is. She is so consistently self-absorbed as to outright acknowledge that she knows other people have problems with what she does, but then she does them anyway because she wants to, and then complains when everyone doesn’t just think it’s the bestest thing eversies. Why does Meyers seem to be incapable of writing a main character that’s not a bitch? I can see she’s capable of writing characters that don’t suck, so why are her protagonists always bad people? I don’t get it!

i-feel-like-im-taking-crazy-pills

Edward, unlike Bella, actually considers Mike’s feelings in all this and says it’d be mean to push the guy since he’s clearly already upset enough over the initial rejection, there’s no need to rub it in his face. Bella thinks he seems amused by the idea of hurting him more, given the context I think he’s just amused that she’s willing to do it to him. Either way it kind of takes away from the positive of him considering Mike’s feelings by making him also be a dick at the same time. Though I suppose he has no connection with Mike so he has no reason to care about his feelings at all save basic human decency so I’ll say it’s only half dickish.

“Mike-schmike.” I muttered

What are you, four?

She tries to go to her truck and Edward drags her by her coat to his car, saying he promised to get her home safe so he’s not going to let her drive in her condition. She rightfully gets pissed by this and demands he let her go, but he doesn’t. So the leeway I gave him above disappears and he’s just an ass. So I just get to hate everyone. I’m so excited to keep reading.

She eventually gives in, pouting (her word) about it. He apparently has this

playing, which is a fantastic piece, and I really really wish Meyer would stop making me see myself in Edward because fuck Edward. Classical music is beautiful music and anyone that thinks otherwise is an uncultured charlatan. You do not have to be a broody, sulky ‘older than his years’ person to enjoy classical music.

“What is your mother like?” he asked me suddenly.

I glanced over to see him studying me with curious eyes.

EYES ON THE ROAD!

“She looks a lot like me, but she’s prettier,” I said. He raised his eyebrows. “I have too much Charlie in me.

I really hope she explains at some point what her problem with her dad is. She really seems to not like him and I have absolutely no idea why…

She’s more outgoing than I am, and braver. She’s irresponsible and slightly eccentric, and she’s a very unpredictable cook. She’s my best friend.” I stopped. Talking about her was making me depressed.

If she was really your best friend you’d have finished your school year in Florida with her. Or answered your fucking emails once in a while. Or called her from time to time. Or actually previously expressed any love of her whatsoever outside that she ‘needs’ you to take care of her. This is more of The Host’s problem where the things the character says go completely against the things she thinks, making everyone around her think she’s better than she actually is.

He asks how old she is and the response makes me want to slap her.

“I’m seventeen,” I responded, a little confused.

“You don’t seem seventeen.”

His tone was reproachful; it made me laugh.

“What?” he asked, curious again.

“My mom always says I was born thirty-five years old and that I get more middle-aged every year.” I laughed, and then sighed. “Well, someone has to be the adult.”

You are massively childish. MASSIVELY. You are the definition of the childish teenage brat.

spoiled brat

He asks why her mom married Phil, and she basically says her mother is immature and so she went with a guy as young physically as she was mentally. Again, don’t really come off as being too respectful and loving there Bella. But anyway, Edward asks if she approves of him and she says it doesn’t really matter what she thinks, but he makes her mother happy so it’s fine, though she clearly doesn’t actually approve. He asks if her mother would extend her the same courtesy, which is basically him asking if her mother would approve of her dating him.

Edward goes a bit psychopath on her by dropping his smile into a massively serious look and asks if she’s scared of him right now. She says no, and he puts the big grin right back on. And this is yet another warning sign that you’ve gotten in the car of a serial killer and should probably flee. That or he’s just fucking with her for fun since she’d been such a bitch to him a while back and he’s finally getting some pay back. But we all know the real answer is psychopath.

She asks him about his family, he says that his birth parents died so long ago he doesn’t really remember them and Carlisle and Esme are loving, wonderful people and he’s quite happy to have them for parents. She asks about his siblings, and he says that they’re probably getting pissed at him right now for making them wait in the rain. So after a quip about lying to Charlie about what happened, she gets out of the car. He says he’s ‘starting his weekend early’ and heading to where he and his family go camping on a regular basis. She tells him to have fun and he asks her to be careful since she’s an accident magnet. Which is actually a fair observation because so far she has basically tripped over everything you can possibly trip on and a few things I’m not convinced it’s actually possible to trip on.

tripped

And that’s how the chapter ends. Glimmers of decent writing buried in a mountain of inner monologued garbage. I hate this book. I hate this book even harder now than before because Meyer is clearly capable of writing something decent. She just needs someone to tell her to tone things down. From what I’ve heard even fans of this series tend to think Bella is a bit of a bitch, so it’s not even just people who hate the series going into it. And I was genuinely prepared to give it the benefit of the doubt! I really thought it was going to be better than The Host! I figured Meyer in an element that required less research and where the protagonist was an author surrogate (apparently the series was a dream she had of her perfect guy and she just had to write it down) with an editor at a time before she had the right to ignore everything the editor said, that it had to be at least better. And aspects of it are… The main character though? If this is supposed to be Meyers’ self-insert fiction then I really never want to meet the woman.

Check out The Llama’s take on this chapter and see you next time!

Q&A: Devilish

When have you come closest to meeting the devil?

…I’m… not… sure what this is asking…

I mean, if we’re going by Christian mythology I am totally going straight to hell, so I guess I could tell you about one of the times I should have died…  Or is the question asking for the worst person I’ve ever met?  Maybe?

I don’t know.  I guess I’ll tell you about one of the times I’ve nearly died.  I’ve always had shitty teeth.  Even when I was little and drank more milk than my little stomach could handle, brushed two or three times a day, flossed, even had a ‘water pik’.  I still would have at least one cavity every single time I went to the dentist.  When my baby teeth fell out I could have sold them there was so much metal in them.  Two of my adult teeth never even grew in at all.  I developed a massive fear of the dentist, and when I moved out from my parents home, I didn’t have any money or insurance, so I used that as an excuse to just not go to the dentist.  Old fillings eventually started falling out and I still didn’t have the money to go, and my phobia made me still perfectly fine with using that as an excuse.  Until one day I was working the closing shift at my shitty retail job on a Saturday night.  I was fine most of the shift, but the last, half hour or so, I suddenly was in so much pain I could barely stand up.  And it was SUDDEN.  It was no pain, no pain, HIT IN THE FACE WITH A BRICK OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

I still finished up my shift because, of course I did.  I sucked it up and kept going.  I went home, I passed out on the couch.  And when I say passed out, I don’t mean I was just really tired and fell asleep, I mean I legitimately passed the fuck out.  When I eventually woke up to go throw up, I called in sick to work and tried to eat something cold to deal with the pain.  I smelled the food and got sick again.  I had a horrible fever.  I laid back down and went back to sleep.  I woke up a couple times throughout the day, and each time I woke back up my face had puffed up a little further.  My fever kept getting stronger.  And my nose kept getting more and more stuffed up.  Sunday evening (I will point out that this is a mere 24 hours after the first symptom) I went to my mom’s in the hopes that she would have something to deal with the stuffy nose part of the problem.  She obviously told me I needed to go to the doctor, but I didn’t want to, so I told her I wouldn’t go if she wasn’t willing to, because I knew she wanted to go to bed and it was already damn near 11 at night (my dad was at work) so I figured she’d cave and go to bed instead.  She nearly did (she doesn’t tell that part of the story) but my face looked like a balloon at that point, so she eventually went (Took a half an hour.  Again, she does not tell that part of the story.  Also made me drive.  It apparently didn’t occur to either of us that my fever probably made that a bad idea) and I got in to see the doctor and he basically told me I would have been dead by morning because the infection in my tooth, which in most people moves down into their heart or lungs and so gives a little more warning before killing you, was moving up into my brain, plus the swelling was threatening to close my throat and choke me to death in my sleep.

He tried to get me on IV antibiotics right then and there, but I didn’t want to stay in the hospital, so they put me on the strongest antibiotics available in pill form (the same strength you get if you get the plague and H1N1!) and told me like, 8 times that if I wasn’t improving by morning to get my ass back into the hospital.  But I’m still here so I’m pretty sure you can guess how it went.  And yes, I did get back to the dentist.

So moral of the story is go to the dentist I guess… And don’t be a stubborn moron like me.

Check out The Llama’s answer, and put your own in the comments.  Or tell me if you have a different interpretation of what the question even means.

Q&A: Forgiven

What is the one thing you’d most like to be forgiven for?

Here’s where I get to be a smug prick because The Llama’s answer to this was in depth and thoughtful and heartfelt.  My answer?  I don’t have anything I need to be forgiven for.  I’ve made mistakes, obviously.  I’ve been a prick.  I’ve hurt people.  Anyone that claims they haven’t either doesn’t know they actually have, or is lying.  But I always either realize what I did and ask forgiveness, or I don’t want forgiveness for it.  Chances are if I’ve done something horrible to you and not apologized, I either have no idea I hurt you, or I kind of hate you and think you deserved it.

I am, and have been most of my life, very self-aware.  I have always had anger issues, because my dad has anger issues, and I learned from the best.  But because I also have serious guilt issues and self awareness, I have always known when I was getting mad at someone who didn’t deserve it.  I usually try and stop myself before it becomes a problem and in recent years I’ve actually managed to stop myself from getting incredibly angry in the first place most of the time.  But when I can’t, and I end up being a dick to someone who in no way shape or form deserved to be the focus of my rage, I isolate myself as quickly as possible, then as soon as I’ve calmed down, the first thing I do is seek the person out and apologize and explain why I was in such a fowl mood and tell them that my mood is not their fault and they didn’t deserve what I said to them.  And it is always something I said to them.  I have NEVER physically hurt someone in anger.  And I never.  Ever.  Will.  …Well, there was that one time in high school where someone pissed me off when I was leaving a dance, which is a pretty easy time to piss me off because I get antsy around that many people, and I was trying to just walk away, but he put his arm on my shoulder and tried to pull me back because he wasn’t done being pissed yet, and I whirled around to tell him to fuck off and leave me alone, but he was closer than I realized and I accidentally ended up smacking him upside the head…  But that was genuinely an accident (he was bigger than me and had a history with drugs and fights.  I’m not stupid) and I apologized almost as fast as I’d hit him.  That escalated a bit after that…  But I don’t think that counts.

Admittedly I am less good at apologizing when I get snippy at family, but they also know me well enough by now that most of the time when they get me angry it was on purpose because they think it’s funny.  Or my mother is asking me the same question 18 million times because she has a selective memory she likes to claim is just ‘bad’ but in reality she just immediately forgets things she doesn’t deem important enough to remember and then has to ask again later because, hey, it actually WAS important and you should have listened the first 8 times I explained it!  But even then the rage is just a snippy comment and then me trying to be extra helpful as an apology.  And yes, her memory really is actually perfectly fine.  She can remember all kinds of things with no problem whatsoever.  The things she forgets tend to be simple little things that it’s fine to have to repeat once or twice, but she will ask the same question 5 times in one day, or tell us the same story every single day for a week (‘us’ is me and my sister) because she ‘forgot’ she already told us.  Personally I think she’s just got that story on the brain and just wants to keep talking about it so she ‘forgets’ she already told us and brings it up again.  And again.  And again.

So yeah, there’s not really anything I want anyone to forgive me for that I haven’t already been forgiven for.  Reading this back over again reminds me why I’m single…