The Host Review: Chapter Forty-Two: Bait and Switch

Sorry people. I really didn’t want to give up, but after writing the review for this chapter 4 times only to have it get lost through my own stupidity or computer error, I just couldn’t stomach reading it again. So I stopped for a while hoping maybe some distance would make me able to try once more. But then I found myself feeling guilty writing anything own because I felt like I should get this done, which made me resent the book even more, which led to a vicious cycle of not getting a damn thing done ever. Then there were a lot of personal things going on distracting me even more and getting me kind of depressed, but they’re really not things I want to share here. Suffice to say I haven’t forgotten about this goddamn book though.

Which brings me to what I’m going to do with it. I can’t bring myself to review the rest of the book. I just can’t. I need to look at something new. Maybe someday I’ll come back and finish it, but right now every time I open it up to try and write that goddamn chapter a 5th fucking time all of a sudden grass growing is absolutely goddamn FASCINATING. So I won’t be finishing The Host. If you want in depth breakdowns of the rest of the chapters The Llama did finish it (and then set it on fire on her deck) and you can check it out there, but I’ll summarize the rest.

We left off with Wanderer trying to convince Ian to kiss her because Wanderer banished Melanie from her brain and then felt bad (not for Melanie or Jared though, just Jamie. She didn’t feel bad that she killed Melanie, she felt bad that she lied to her brother about it. Because Wanderer is a fucking horrible person. Never forget that) and the whole scene comes off as incredibly dumb, horrible and a lot uncomfortable. Eventually Ian gets her to explain what the fuck is going on, so he goes and gets Jared who fixes everything because of course it’s that easy.

Wanderer wants to go get alien medicine to fix Jamie’s wound (which would have been fine if anyone in this universe had half a brain, but then there would be no drama so whatever) but no one will let her go. Jared kidnaps her in the middle of the night after everyone goes to sleep and takes her to go get alien medicine for Jamie. It goes without any issues whatsoever because of things that are incredibly contradictory and make no sense and plot convenience, and Jamie lives and everyone is happy except Ian who hates that Wanderer has newfound freedom.

Wanderer starts helping the people on raids, which are now simplified to ‘go to a grocery store, walk in, walk back out’, and everyone complains that they’re bored because fuck living comfortably, risking your lives and the future of your species as a whole is so much more fun! Wanderer gets racist some more despite more claims of not being racist while totally being racist, Seeker invades their home and kills one of the humans and injures another. Wanderer talks to her and decides she (Wanderer, not Seeker, though her too) needs to give up her human host and die. For absolutely no goddamn reason whatsoever.

Wanderer uses this decision to finally reveal the tantalizing secret she’s been keeping through the whole book (oooooh, can’t you tell I was riveted?!) and it’s what I called from the beginning, she knows how to take the aliens out of their host bodies. Which, you know, we kind of could have guessed since Meyers says right in the fucking epilogue that ANYONE can remove the fucking things if they have to.

She teaches the people how to do it but makes them promise to not kill the aliens they remove, but instead send them out into space to planets so far away that they’ll not get there for a few centuries. Absolutely no one figures out she plans to remove herself except Jared. When it finally gets out, Ian physically attacks her while everyone just stands around and lets him. Eventually he consents to let her decide what to do with her own goddamn body, despite trying to convince her that Melanie doesn’t need it anymore. And Melanie clearly has stockholme syndrome because she too tries to convince Wanderer that she’s more valuable to them than Melanie is.

Eventually she goes through with it, but instead of killing her like she made them promise, they found a new body to put her in. A child’s body. Not joking. Technically mid-teens, but still. It’s really creepy and there’s some minor pedophilia vibes coming off the ending of the book, and not so subtle hints that Ian gets him some jailbait tail. Like I said, creepy.

The book ends with an epilogue of them finding another band of surviving humans who have connections with other bands of surviving humans, and their own ‘gone native’ alien. And everyone lives happily ever after. The fucking end.

Somehow that takes damn near 20 chapters. 20 chapters of rage and anger. I hate this book. I have never hated a book as much as I hate this book, and I have already read the first 50 Shades book. Which I will be covering by the way. But first things first! I will do a write up on the god awful movie for this stupid book because I fucking watched that thing you are going to have to hear about it goddammit.

As for Twilight, which was the next planned book after this one, The Llama has already read the entire series and said that the entire first book can pretty much be summed up by ‘and the stupid whiney teenager bitches about the weather. And then bitches about the weather some more. And then bitches about the weather some more.’ So there’s really just not enough to talk about. We will both do up reviews for each book as a whole and then it’s accompanying movie. After that we’ll move on to 50 Shades, which at least actually does have things to talk about in every chapter, even if they are almost as rage inducing as the crap in this book, at least it’s different.

So, yeah, sorry about this, I really did want to finish it, and maybe someday I will, but for now I just want to try and get back into writing SOMETHING again, and I can’t do it as long as that book is hanging over my head. And as you can see all you missed was me going ‘WHY WON’T THEY ALL DIE?!’ over and over again while nothing at all happened. Even the parts that sounded like something interesting may have been happening, I assure you nothing interesting happened. The bit where Seeker kills someone happens 100% off screen and all of the characters respect Wanderer too much to even seek revenge, because that’s TOTALLY how that would work. There’s almost an entire chapter with them just watching alien TV and complaining about how boring it is. This book is just so fucking much nothing. And yet I could talk about a problem with damn near every goddamn word choice. It’s fucking ridiculous.

If you do like this book, I’m sorry, but I have no idea how. I can’t imagine how anyone could actually enjoy it. It’s shallow, it’s stupid, the relationships are abusive, the characters are unlikeable, the science makes no sense at all, the plot is paced so slow a snail would look fast by comparison… I just do not get it.

Oh, in case you were curious, the one that dies is the guy we were supposed to feel happy got hooked up with the girl we didn’t know. That’s another big problem with this book, none of the characters outside the main that we were supposed to remember and care about in some way were at all memorable. I had to remind myself who they were on a regular basis and I was doing in depth analysis on this fucking book. How the hell did anyone know who the fuck they were talking about when they WEREN’T analyzing every fucking sentence?! Wess? Was that his name? I think it was Wess. I looked it up because I didn’t want to reread that chapter AGAIN to try and remember, but even the Wikipedia entry didn’t care enough to mention him by name.

Whatever, the book is terrible. I hate it. And I wish I had a physical copy to set on fire like Llama did. I also wish she had recorded it burn to post online.

See you Tuesday with a write up on the worst movie I’ve actually sat through. And not the fun kind of bad, just the bad kind of bad. It’s just terrible. Really really terrible.

Till next time!


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