Q&A: Forgiven

What is the one thing you’d most like to be forgiven for?

Here’s where I get to be a smug prick because The Llama’s answer to this was in depth and thoughtful and heartfelt.  My answer?  I don’t have anything I need to be forgiven for.  I’ve made mistakes, obviously.  I’ve been a prick.  I’ve hurt people.  Anyone that claims they haven’t either doesn’t know they actually have, or is lying.  But I always either realize what I did and ask forgiveness, or I don’t want forgiveness for it.  Chances are if I’ve done something horrible to you and not apologized, I either have no idea I hurt you, or I kind of hate you and think you deserved it.

I am, and have been most of my life, very self-aware.  I have always had anger issues, because my dad has anger issues, and I learned from the best.  But because I also have serious guilt issues and self awareness, I have always known when I was getting mad at someone who didn’t deserve it.  I usually try and stop myself before it becomes a problem and in recent years I’ve actually managed to stop myself from getting incredibly angry in the first place most of the time.  But when I can’t, and I end up being a dick to someone who in no way shape or form deserved to be the focus of my rage, I isolate myself as quickly as possible, then as soon as I’ve calmed down, the first thing I do is seek the person out and apologize and explain why I was in such a fowl mood and tell them that my mood is not their fault and they didn’t deserve what I said to them.  And it is always something I said to them.  I have NEVER physically hurt someone in anger.  And I never.  Ever.  Will.  …Well, there was that one time in high school where someone pissed me off when I was leaving a dance, which is a pretty easy time to piss me off because I get antsy around that many people, and I was trying to just walk away, but he put his arm on my shoulder and tried to pull me back because he wasn’t done being pissed yet, and I whirled around to tell him to fuck off and leave me alone, but he was closer than I realized and I accidentally ended up smacking him upside the head…  But that was genuinely an accident (he was bigger than me and had a history with drugs and fights.  I’m not stupid) and I apologized almost as fast as I’d hit him.  That escalated a bit after that…  But I don’t think that counts.

Admittedly I am less good at apologizing when I get snippy at family, but they also know me well enough by now that most of the time when they get me angry it was on purpose because they think it’s funny.  Or my mother is asking me the same question 18 million times because she has a selective memory she likes to claim is just ‘bad’ but in reality she just immediately forgets things she doesn’t deem important enough to remember and then has to ask again later because, hey, it actually WAS important and you should have listened the first 8 times I explained it!  But even then the rage is just a snippy comment and then me trying to be extra helpful as an apology.  And yes, her memory really is actually perfectly fine.  She can remember all kinds of things with no problem whatsoever.  The things she forgets tend to be simple little things that it’s fine to have to repeat once or twice, but she will ask the same question 5 times in one day, or tell us the same story every single day for a week (‘us’ is me and my sister) because she ‘forgot’ she already told us.  Personally I think she’s just got that story on the brain and just wants to keep talking about it so she ‘forgets’ she already told us and brings it up again.  And again.  And again.

So yeah, there’s not really anything I want anyone to forgive me for that I haven’t already been forgiven for.  Reading this back over again reminds me why I’m single…

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