Q&A: Love is Hard

What is the hardest thing about love?

Being without it

Forever alone

Seriously though, I think the hardest thing about love is being vulnerable.  I’m not good at that.  Given that I have absolutely no problem sharing my fairly personal journey with depression here to the general public, and share some of my writing, you would think being vulnerable wouldn’t be a problem for me, but it’s very very different when it’s with someone who can actually hurt you.  You, general internet people, you can’t really hurt me.  There’s nothing negative you could say to me on here that would actually matter enough to cause me anything more than momentary annoyance.  But someone I care about, who I want in my life, who I would feel sad without?  That’s an entirely different situation…

I have confessed my feelings a couple of times and been rejected for no reason I can really decipher in most cases. They find me attractive, they enjoy my company, I have never pulled that ‘I’m going to pretend I just want to be friends but really I just want to fuck you’ bullshit because I believe in being upfront even though it scares the shit out of me to do so… But every time I get a flat ‘no’ with nothing more than a ‘I just don’t feel that way about you’.  And that’s COMPLETELY valid.  I am in no way saying that they owe me some kind of explanation or that if they don’t have a specific reason they owe me a chance.  They do not.  And fuck anyone that tries to say otherwise.  If you just don’t feel it, you just don’t feel it, and you shouldn’t be pressured to do something you don’t want to do just because you can’t or don’t want to explain why.  The point I’m trying to make is simply that even trying to tell someone I like them is FUCKING TERRIFYING because I don’t even know what’s ‘wrong’ with me to ‘fix’ it.  It has been my experience that people just don’t like me.  I am just somehow inherently unattractive on a romantic level.  So even opening myself up to trying again scares the shit out of me because I have no control and history tells me I will get hurt again.

Now to be fair I haven’t liked anyone since my major emotional changes, so maybe it’ll be less scary now that I’m not so anxious all the time and maybe I’ll be more attractive now that there’s not an undercurrent of rage going through me 24/7 (yeah, I recognize that that was probably more visible than I realized at the time and that was probably what was turning people off.  I’m not dumb enough to think that my overall… vibe I guess… wasn’t hugely affected by that), but there’s still a lot of vulnerability about being in a relationship.  You’re trusting someone with a lot.  You have no control over them and how they feel and what they do, you just have to trust that they genuinely care about you and will take your needs into consideration before taking actions that affect you too.  You have to trust that when you tell them your secrets that they won’t turn away in disgust.  You have to trust that they aren’t just using you for something.  Trust is hard.  Opening up to people who’s opinions of you matter very much is hard.

Check out The Llama’s answer and post your own in the comments!  Have any of you had to overcome a fear of rejection?

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