Seasick

It’s short story writing prompt time!  Normally when I post one of these I post the prompt that it came from before the story itself, but this time the prompt includes a spoiler, so it’ll be at the end.

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A tall woman with light brown hair sat on the floor of her cramped bathroom, resting her head on the toilet. Her eyes were heavy as she stared at the wall, hoping the nausea she felt would subside long enough to allow her to get something that might wash away the horrible taste in her mouth.

‘Go on a cruise, Laurie; it’ll be so relaxing!’ She thought bitterly. ‘You need to get away and pamper yourself!’

It had been fun at first. She’d gone to see some of the shows, and had enjoyed tanning on the deck. Her room was small and cramped, but she hadn’t planned to spend much time in it anyway, so that hadn’t bothered her. At least not until the storm, which had forced everyone inside. She’d been in her room ever since, regretting the cocktails she’d had with lunch.

After a while, she pulled herself up off the floor and steadied herself. She stayed still for a few moments, making sure the rocking of the boat had stopped and that her stomach was going to let her move without rebelling. When she felt comfortable that both of those were the case, she left the bathroom.

She still had a few bottles of water left over from the stash she’d collected from the dining hall on her first day on the ship, so she grabbed one of them and chugged it. She sat on her bed and thanked God that the water didn’t come right back up, then took a few sips of a second bottle and laid down, setting the rest of the bottle on her nightstand before falling asleep.

A few hours later, she woke up and finished the bottle of water. She still felt terrible, and now her head was pounding on top of everything else, so she decided to go see if there was anywhere on the ship that still had some anti-nausea medication available.

‘Did the power go out?’ she wondered, as she wandered the dark halls. ‘The ship doesn’t feel like it’s tossing and turning anymore, so the storm can’t still be going… What happens to a cruise ship when the power goes out? CAN the power go out?’ She looked around, hoping to bump into a crew member so she could ask what was going on.

She eventually made her way to the dining hall, where she found a few people sitting at tables with candles lit before them. She went up to an old couple sitting at the table closest to the door and asked, “Excuse me, do you know what’s going on? Why are there no lights on?”

The couple looked at her quizzically. “The power’s been out for hours. Did no one knock on your door to let you know? We’re waiting for search and rescue to come collect everyone,” the woman answered.

“I got seasick during the storm and fell asleep. I guess I missed them knocking. So we’re just waiting here to be rescued? Have they said why it’s taking so long?”

“Well, the last I heard, the storm was heading to shore, so they must be having a hard time getting to us,” she said with a shrug. She didn’t seem too concerned, which made Laurie feel a little better.

“Okay, well, thank you for the update. I’m going to go see if I can track down some anti-nausea meds.”

“Good luck!”

She grabbed another bottle of water before heading out of the dining hall, then headed off to the area she remembered seeing the doctors in the day before. As she walked, she saw a few more people wandering the halls, a lot of whom had clearly spent at least some of the last few hours at the bars. The thought of alcohol made the nausea churn in her stomach again.

She finally found the doctor’s office, but didn’t see any sign of any of the doctors, so she looked around a bit to see if she could find any Gravol.

“What are you doing?!” A voice behind her shouted. She jumped and spun around to see a doctor standing in the doorway.

“Sorry, I’ve just been massively seasick since the storm, and I wanted to get some nausea meds. No one was in here, though, so I just looked around…”

“They’re right here,” he said, grabbing a box off the shelf and tossing it to her. “Now go back to your room and stay there.”

She looked at him, confused. He looked pale and scared.

“Is something wrong?”

“No, everything’s fine, it’s just that the storm is still going and you’re better off staying in your room.”

“Oh, I thought it had ended. The ship doesn’t seem to be rocking much anymore.”

“The waves aren’t as big, but it’s still storming pretty badly out there. Stay in the dining hall or your room.”

“I guess that means the rescue boats are going to be a while getting here.”

“Rescue boats? Oh, yes. They’ll take a while to get here. Yeah.” He looked at her with sympathy, and she looked back at him, still confused. “Just head to your room. The Gravol will help you sleep.”

“Okay…” She gave him one last confused look before heading out.

On the way back to her room, she noticed the stairs to the main deck on the other side of the hall and felt an intense curiosity rise up inside her. She figured the storm must be really bad to make the doctor seem so concerned, and she just had to know what was really going on. She looked around to make sure no one was nearby, before darting up the stairs to the deck.

When she took hold of the door, she braced herself for the wind to grab it. She took one last look around for anyone passing by, then pushed open the door and closed her eyes, prepared for a face full of rain…but nothing came. She opened her eyes just in time to see a fish swam by her face. Her eyes went wide as she walked out onto the deck.

Panic set in as she looked around, they were on the ocean floor.

The ship looked completely different from the outside; she could see the evidence of what had happened. Some of the lifeboats were missing, it looked like at least some of them had broken off the side. There were busted windows, so why wasn’t there any water inside the ship? Why didn’t she remember the ship sinking? Surely she would have noticed… Surely someone else inside the ship would have noticed even if she hadn’t.

She walked further out onto the deck. She couldn’t feel the water, she wasn’t struggling to breath. She kicked at something that looked stuck to the floor, it didn’t come off. She looked closer, was that a barnacle? How long had the ship been underwater? She turned around and saw the doctor standing on the deck behind her, looking at her sadly.

“What’s going on? Why can I breathe?” She asked. He just looked down at the floor. Her eyes widened as she finally realized what was happening.

She sank to her knees on the deck and cried.

————–

A sick woman learns something disturbing on a ghost ship.

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A Long-Dead Mother is Kidnapped.

So I was looking at a writing prompt site, and one of the prompts that appeared was ‘A long-dead mother is kidnapped.’ And I couldn’t resist writing the following:

———————————————————————-

A middle aged man sits alone in his living room reading the paper. He reached one hand up to push his glasses back up the bridge of his nose and turned the page. His cell phone sitting on the coffee table begins vibrating.

‘Who would be calling me at this hour?’ he wonders. He picks up the phone and frowns that he doesn’t recognize the number or even the area code.

“Hello?”

“I’ve got your mom! I’m going to slit her fucking throat if you don’t show up at Wembley Park tomorrow at midnight with 500 grand in cash!” He could hear a muffled woman’s voice crying in the background coming from the other line.

“My mother died four years ago. I think you have the wrong number.” He answered dryly.

“What? Seriously?”

“Fraid so.”

“Shit… Your name isn’t Carl?”

“Francis.”

“Dammit… Sorry to have bothered you!” The caller hung up.

Francis looked at his phone with a small frown and a raised brow. He set it back on the table with a sigh and returned to reading his paper.

Twilight Chapter 5

Just one chapter today. Time issues happened and I wanted to put something up at least because I really don’t want to go back to just putting things off till it’s ‘done’ and getting back into not getting anything done at all. But I did make this one a little more detailed since it’s stand alone. Hopefully more than one chapter on Thursday!

Chapter 5: Blood Type

This chapter is nearly twice the length of the last chapter. Whhhyyyyyyy

Just_Why

It wasn’t till class ended that I realized Mike wasn’t sitting in his usual seat next to me. I felt a twinge of guilt. But he and Eric both met me at the door as usual, so I figured I wasn’t totally unforgiven.

Seriously, if you want these guys to leave you alone, you sure as hell aren’t acting like it. She’s bitched and moaned multiple times about how horrible it is that they won’t leave her alone. She goes on about how she wants Mike to stop following her around. These guys just got rejected and probably feel let down and just need some space.

Mike seemed to become more himself as we walked, gaining enthusiasm as he talked about the weather report for this weekend. The rain was supposed to take a minor break, and so maybe his beach trip would be possible. I tried to sound eager, to make up for disappointing him yesterday. It was hard; rain or no rain, it would still only be in the high forties, if we were lucky.

Unless you’re planning to do a new take on the ice bucket challenge, no one is going to the beach at that temperature. Anyone that does is a crazy person.

Jessica babbled on and on about her dance plans — Lauren and Angela had asked the other boys and they were all going together — completely unaware of my inattention.

I asked before why Bella was friends with Jessica since she clearly seems to hate the poor girl, but I think a better question is why is Jessica friends with Bella? As far as I can tell she puts in genuine effort to be nice to this awful excuse for a human being, but all Bella ever does is ignore her and use her. If Jessica could hear the things Bella thinks about her she’d be perfectly justified to punch her in the goddamn face.

Disappointment flooded through me as my eyes unerringly focused on his table. The other four were there, but he was absent. Had he gone home? I followed the still-babbling Jessica through the line, crushed. I’d lost my appetite — I bought nothing but a bottle of lemonade. I just wanted to go sit down and sulk.

“Edward Cullen is staring at you again,” Jessica said, finally breaking through my abstraction with his name. “I wonder why he’s sitting alone today.”

See what I mean? She talks again about how she’s ‘babbling’ but then, suddenly Jessica is saying something about Edward and low and behold she’s worth listening to again. I don’t think Bella understands what being a friend actually means.

Don't know what it means

Edward invites her to sit with him and Jessica seems shocked. Bella feels insulted by her shock because she takes it to mean someone like him would never want to sit with someone like her, but come on. The entire time she’s been at that school save the one day in biology where they did a lab together, they’ve been at each other’s throats if they’ve even acknowledged each other’s existence. It is not unreasonable for Jessica to find this confusing! BELLA finds this confusing so why the fuck does she think Jessica isn’t allowed to?! Oh right, because she’s a FUCKING BITCH.

I sat down automatically, watching him with caution. He was still smiling. It was hard to believe that someone so beautiful could be real. I was afraid that he might disappear in a sudden puff of smoke, and I would wake up.

Just so much fuck you. So much.

They start talking, he says he’s putting himself through hell anyway so he might as well go all the way, Bella is confused. Anyone that knows the existence of the series at all knows what this means, and honestly if he were hitting on anyone actually worth hitting on I would actually be okay with this particular exchange. The fact that Bella sucks so goddamn hard makes me wish he would just eat her instead of flirting though.

whos hungry

Maybe this says more about me than the book, but I actually would probably be doing pretty much the same thing he is during this conversation… In fact I’ve had similar conversations where I go back and forth intentionally confusing the hell out of the person I’m talking to with a smug grin on my face the whole time. Basically he’s saying he wants her (in more ways than one) and saying he’s tired of trying to stay away from her, so he’s going to do what he wants to do instead of what he felt he should be doing. And she has no idea he’s inferring he could very well end up murdering her violently. And… yeah, that is totally something I would do in that situation… Given that I know he gets incredibly, disturbingly creepy later in the book I don’t know how I feel about that.

“So, in plain English, are we friends now?”

“Friends…” he mused, dubious.

“Or not,” I muttered.

He grinned. “Well, we can try, I suppose. But I’m warning you now that I’m not a good friend for you.” Behind his smile, the warning was real.

“You say that a lot,” I noted, trying to ignore the sudden trembling in my stomach and keep my voice even.

“Yes, because you’re not listening to me. I’m still waiting for you to believe it. If you’re smart, you’ll avoid me.”

She’s dumb as a post. But seriously, he’s being kind of fair here… He’s not telling her the nature of the risk, but he reasonably can’t. He’s telling her his choice is to be around her, but she should choose to ignore his advances and keep her distance for her own good. He is being clear, consistent, and constant. This is the third or fourth time he’s said it now. He keeps giving her a chance to back away and she keeps walking forward because she’s obsessed with how pretty he is. I don’t know. I know he gets stalkery, and obviously he’s a creeper for doing that, but seriously, when a guy is telling you ‘no, really, it’s in your best interest to avoid me’, you should probably listen.

listen-to-me

They come to an agreement, but he asks what she’s thinking. She tells him that she’s trying to figure out what he is, which gets him tense. He asks if she’s got any theories, she says she does, and thinks, but doesn’t say, that she’s been comparing him to Batman and Spiderman in her mind. He asks what her theories are and she won’t tell him because apparently knowing the names of comic book characters is embarrassing (soooo much fuck you, Bella. So much).

“That’s really frustrating, you know,” he complained.

“No,” I disagreed quickly, my eyes narrowing, “I can’t imagine why that would be frustrating at all — just because someone refuses to tell you what they’re thinking, even if all the while they’re making cryptic little remarks specifically designed to keep you up at night wondering what they could possibly mean… now, why would that be frustrating?”

He grimaced.

“Or better,” I continued, the pent-up annoyance flowing freely now, “say that person also did a wide range of bizarre things — from saving your life under impossible circumstances one day to treating you like a pariah the next, and he never explained any of that, either, even after he promised. That, also, would be very non-frustrating.”

“You’ve got a bit of a temper, don’t you?”

“I don’t like double standards.”

We need to talk...

We need to talk…

Nope, trust me, as someone who has one; that’s an anger problem. That’s not just getting pissed at double standards, that’s going from a calm and normal conversation where you seemed fairly relaxed to immediately getting defensively pissed off way faster than most people would. Had this been a more tense scene, or even the one the day before where he asked her to Seattle and she was mad at him at the start, then this reaction would be perfectly normal.  But it wasn’t.

Plus, seriously, how many times do I have to discuss the fact that him getting cold after saving her wasn’t unexplained or unreasonable?! YOU WERE BEING A FUCKING BITCH! He is being unreasonable by being frustrated at you for not telling him everything. No argument here on that at all. But not to the point where you should be biting his head off over every single thing that he’s ever done that you didn’t like. It’s not like you guys had been good friends or dating or anything when all of this happened. You’d barely even spoken. Also I highly doubt his cryptic remarks were ‘specifically designed’ to keep you up at night. He doesn’t know you. He has no obligation to tell you all his fucking secrets you self centered little brat!

justbecool_zpse6882f12

I have actually skimmed over a few things that Edward has done that I’ve felt were kind of shitty because Bella’s obnoxious shittiness just completely over powers everything else in this goddamn book. So in fairness I will point out some problems with other characters:

Mike, Eric and Tyler have serious boundary issues and need to start picking up on the signals Bella is sending. She’s clearly a hateful bitch and she’s probably putting off some physical signs she doesn’t want them around. Tyler in particular she’s told to stop apologizing to her about the car accident and he’s ignored her requests more than once and that isn’t right. He should respect her wishes and back off, especially if he really is sorry for what he did.

Charlie is not a terribly attentive father. But I have a hard time really faulting him for that since he’s never really had to be one.  He’s clearly trying, but just doesn’t know what he’s doing, so I don’t know if I should have even given him a paragraph here.

Edward has been a dick multiple times. He’s constantly smug, and intentionally vague. The vagueness is understandable, but the smugness is less so. A little smugness can be cute for flirting, too much is clearly an indication of genuinely thinking you’re better than the person you’re talking to. Though he’s always talking to Bella, so maybe that’s justified. He’s also being conflicting with his ‘stay away from me’ message. He’s flirting with her while telling her to back off despite that it’s pretty obvious she finds him attractive, so he’s basically saying ‘I know you’re not going to listen, because I’m playing my pied pipers flute while telling you to walk away, so I can assuage my guilt because I technically gave you fair warning.’ And that’s a pretty massive dick move.

Jessica hasn’t done anything actually wrong and Bella should really piss off and cut that poor girl a break. She seems nice.

This is what I want Jessica to say to Bella

This is what I want Jessica to say to Bella

Having said that, every single one of those things I have said are things that only came up once or twice in the entire book so far, and are all punctuated on both sides by Bella being terrible. I cannot emphasis that enough. Every. Single. Paragraph. Bella is saying something horrible about someone or over dramatic whining about the weather.

They have some more back and forth, it’s relatively normal and thankfully because of the spacing, takes up a couple of pages so that’s a few fewer pages of Bella’s thoughts I have to read. She asks Edward if he’ll give her fair warning next time he intends to go all radio dead air on her and he says he will. But he asks if she’ll answer a question for him in return and she agrees.

“Tell me one theory.”

Whoops. “Not that one.”

Don’t think too far ahead do you?

He looked down, and then glanced up at me through his long black lashes, his ocher eyes scorching.

That does not sound right… Why does that make me feel gross to read? Oh right…

2011-12-02-sexy

More back and forth, she complains that his prettiness is hypnotizing and she caves and tells him one of her theories. They have a little super hero origin story nerd off, and again, if I didn’t hate Bella with every fibre of my being this would probably be a conversation I would totally have and that kind of pisses me off.

“What if I’m not a superhero? What if I’m the bad guy?” He smiled playfully, but his eyes were impenetrable.

“Oh,” I said, as several things he’d hinted fell suddenly into place. “I see.”

Really? You’re just putting that together now? How fucking dense are you?! What did I say earlier about listening when someone tells you it’s in your best interest to stay away from them?!

“You’re dangerous?” I guessed, my pulse quickening as I intuitively realized the truth of my own words. He was dangerous. He’d been trying to tell me that all along. He just looked at me, eyes full of some emotion I couldn’t comprehend.

“But not bad,” I whispered, shaking my head. “No, I don’t believe that you’re bad.”

I’m just going to sit here and bash my head against the wall for a while. Don’t mind me.

Weep then die

“You’re wrong.” His voice was almost inaudible. He looked down, stealing my bottle lid and then spinning it on its side between his fingers. I stared at him, wondering why I didn’t feel afraid. He meant what he was saying — that was obvious. But I just felt anxious, on edge… and, more than anything else, fascinated. The same way I always felt when I was near him.

First thing: anxiousness and feeling on edge are indicators of fear. Also, being fascinated by something doesn’t mean you aren’t afraid of it. I’m terrified of spiders but I know way more about spiders than anyone with a fear of them reasonably should. Second thing: you’re a fucking moron. If someone is telling you they are dangerous, flat out telling you they are a danger, and you should stay away, do not ignore them just because they give you butterflies in your tummy. If you do, I will personally place the Darwin award at your grave.

Bella realizes lunch is almost over and they should be getting to class, but Edward says he’s skipping. She declares she’s going to class anyway, but then hesitates and almost sticks around with him before bolting to class anyway. The teacher gets out a kit and starts pricking people’s fingers. Apparently there’s a blood drive in a nearby city and so he’s decided to take this as an opportunity to show everyone how to type blood. This is clearly why Edward was skipping, but again, we don’t know that yet.

Bella apparently gets sickly at the sight of blood. That’s one phobia I’ve never understood personally, especially for women, but whatever. Anyone who’s seen me kill a spider knows I have no room to pick on anyone for their phobias. The teacher tells someone to take her to the nurse and obviously it’s Mike that does it.

firm grasp of the obvious

She gets Mike to stop and let her sit on a bench when they’re outside and away from the class. And I’m starting to get why Meyer decided the school was multiple buildings. If it was all one, she couldn’t have her go outside like this to get to the nurse and run into Edward and have him and Mike fight over her. Which is exactly what happens. Mike acts like an obnoxious little brat who doesn’t want someone else to take his toy away and Edward just ignores him completely, scoops Bella up in his arms which she gushes over while also being horrified not wanting to puke on him.

Edward starts picking on her for what happened, though he wasn’t actually told, so since Bella seems to pick up on all of his behaviour and immediately build conspiracy theories around it, the fact that she says nothing about that fact is plot convenience at its best. You could say it was because she’s sick at the moment, but she certainly didn’t seem to have any issues keeping track of things while she was being tossed around like a rag doll in the van incident, so I don’t accept that excuse.

Apparently despite Mike following them, he doesn’t actually go into the nurse’s station. This is not explained. There’s a few pages of absolutely pointless back and forth that comes off normal enough. It’s weird to me that so much of the back and forth between these characters when Bella isn’t being angry and Edward isn’t being emo actually comes off as real dialogue. Bella is so hateful in her internal monologue and she has absolutely no conversational rapport with anyone else, but the bits that are just normal talking between these two? They’re genuinely not badly written. They’re not even just decently written, I could actually understand why they might have a thing for each other, if I didn’t know what she actually thought! If this was third person instead of first and we didn’t have to listen to her go on about how much she hates him before she acts like she’s in love with him, this might have been salvageable. Maybe. At least this far into the book anyway.

Basically, just take Bella out of the book and it could be good. Sadly Bella is the entire goddamn book.

Anyway, apparently Mike had gone back to the classroom, and apparently while he was there, another kid had to be taken to the nurse. Edward advices Bella to leave before she sees him and she bolts. He gets confused as to why she’s listening to him and she says she can smell the blood so she knew what was coming.

“People can’t smell blood,” he contradicted.

…Apparently I’m not people. And apparently Bella isn’t either. She describes that it smells like rust and salt and that’s what makes her sick. So she probably shouldn’t be going to a beach on the ocean, but whatever. She has a sad little exchange with Mike where it’s pretty clear he knows she likes Edward, not him, and gets mopey while also making sure she’s still going to the beach with him and his friends which I still think is a massively stupid idea. But she says she’s still going, and then he reminds her she has gym class after this, which, after Mike leaves, Edward helps her lie to get out of. Because, again, she’s totally not a liar you guys. You know, except when it suits her needs. But that doesn’t count.

screaming internally

Edward cons the nurse into letting him take Bella home, and the nurse gets all flirty with him which is creepy on so many levels, but Bella just wonders why she can’t ‘flutter’ like the nurse is. I think she means flirt, or maybe flutter her eye lashes? Never really understood why that was supposed to be attractive though. I’ve always thought it looks like you’re trying to shake something out of your eye lashes… But Bella wishes she could do it instead of thinking about how weird it is that the nurse is flirting with a minor and Edward escorts her out of the building.

Bella invites him to go to the beach with them on the weekend, but I actually think that’s kind of horrible of her to do. Mike made it abundantly clear, and she pointed out how clear it was so she definitely got the message, that Edward was not invited. So she’s doing this knowing how uncomfortable it’s going to make him simply because it suits her. Things like this are why I can’t get passed how horrible she is. She is so consistently self-absorbed as to outright acknowledge that she knows other people have problems with what she does, but then she does them anyway because she wants to, and then complains when everyone doesn’t just think it’s the bestest thing eversies. Why does Meyers seem to be incapable of writing a main character that’s not a bitch? I can see she’s capable of writing characters that don’t suck, so why are her protagonists always bad people? I don’t get it!

i-feel-like-im-taking-crazy-pills

Edward, unlike Bella, actually considers Mike’s feelings in all this and says it’d be mean to push the guy since he’s clearly already upset enough over the initial rejection, there’s no need to rub it in his face. Bella thinks he seems amused by the idea of hurting him more, given the context I think he’s just amused that she’s willing to do it to him. Either way it kind of takes away from the positive of him considering Mike’s feelings by making him also be a dick at the same time. Though I suppose he has no connection with Mike so he has no reason to care about his feelings at all save basic human decency so I’ll say it’s only half dickish.

“Mike-schmike.” I muttered

What are you, four?

She tries to go to her truck and Edward drags her by her coat to his car, saying he promised to get her home safe so he’s not going to let her drive in her condition. She rightfully gets pissed by this and demands he let her go, but he doesn’t. So the leeway I gave him above disappears and he’s just an ass. So I just get to hate everyone. I’m so excited to keep reading.

She eventually gives in, pouting (her word) about it. He apparently has this

playing, which is a fantastic piece, and I really really wish Meyer would stop making me see myself in Edward because fuck Edward. Classical music is beautiful music and anyone that thinks otherwise is an uncultured charlatan. You do not have to be a broody, sulky ‘older than his years’ person to enjoy classical music.

“What is your mother like?” he asked me suddenly.

I glanced over to see him studying me with curious eyes.

EYES ON THE ROAD!

“She looks a lot like me, but she’s prettier,” I said. He raised his eyebrows. “I have too much Charlie in me.

I really hope she explains at some point what her problem with her dad is. She really seems to not like him and I have absolutely no idea why…

She’s more outgoing than I am, and braver. She’s irresponsible and slightly eccentric, and she’s a very unpredictable cook. She’s my best friend.” I stopped. Talking about her was making me depressed.

If she was really your best friend you’d have finished your school year in Florida with her. Or answered your fucking emails once in a while. Or called her from time to time. Or actually previously expressed any love of her whatsoever outside that she ‘needs’ you to take care of her. This is more of The Host’s problem where the things the character says go completely against the things she thinks, making everyone around her think she’s better than she actually is.

He asks how old she is and the response makes me want to slap her.

“I’m seventeen,” I responded, a little confused.

“You don’t seem seventeen.”

His tone was reproachful; it made me laugh.

“What?” he asked, curious again.

“My mom always says I was born thirty-five years old and that I get more middle-aged every year.” I laughed, and then sighed. “Well, someone has to be the adult.”

You are massively childish. MASSIVELY. You are the definition of the childish teenage brat.

spoiled brat

He asks why her mom married Phil, and she basically says her mother is immature and so she went with a guy as young physically as she was mentally. Again, don’t really come off as being too respectful and loving there Bella. But anyway, Edward asks if she approves of him and she says it doesn’t really matter what she thinks, but he makes her mother happy so it’s fine, though she clearly doesn’t actually approve. He asks if her mother would extend her the same courtesy, which is basically him asking if her mother would approve of her dating him.

Edward goes a bit psychopath on her by dropping his smile into a massively serious look and asks if she’s scared of him right now. She says no, and he puts the big grin right back on. And this is yet another warning sign that you’ve gotten in the car of a serial killer and should probably flee. That or he’s just fucking with her for fun since she’d been such a bitch to him a while back and he’s finally getting some pay back. But we all know the real answer is psychopath.

She asks him about his family, he says that his birth parents died so long ago he doesn’t really remember them and Carlisle and Esme are loving, wonderful people and he’s quite happy to have them for parents. She asks about his siblings, and he says that they’re probably getting pissed at him right now for making them wait in the rain. So after a quip about lying to Charlie about what happened, she gets out of the car. He says he’s ‘starting his weekend early’ and heading to where he and his family go camping on a regular basis. She tells him to have fun and he asks her to be careful since she’s an accident magnet. Which is actually a fair observation because so far she has basically tripped over everything you can possibly trip on and a few things I’m not convinced it’s actually possible to trip on.

tripped

And that’s how the chapter ends. Glimmers of decent writing buried in a mountain of inner monologued garbage. I hate this book. I hate this book even harder now than before because Meyer is clearly capable of writing something decent. She just needs someone to tell her to tone things down. From what I’ve heard even fans of this series tend to think Bella is a bit of a bitch, so it’s not even just people who hate the series going into it. And I was genuinely prepared to give it the benefit of the doubt! I really thought it was going to be better than The Host! I figured Meyer in an element that required less research and where the protagonist was an author surrogate (apparently the series was a dream she had of her perfect guy and she just had to write it down) with an editor at a time before she had the right to ignore everything the editor said, that it had to be at least better. And aspects of it are… The main character though? If this is supposed to be Meyers’ self-insert fiction then I really never want to meet the woman.

Check out The Llama’s take on this chapter and see you next time!

Twilight Chapters 1-4

Round 2! Really got to figure out why my autosave function keeps fucking up and losing my work…

Preface:

The preface for this book is actually pretty good. It’s, presumably Bella, talking about ways to die. She talks about how she’d never considered how she would go, but that she thinks it’s probably a noble death to die in place of someone you love. It’s an effective opening that draws you in and sets a tone. I really really wish it was the tone of the rest of the book.

Chapter 1: First Sight

Bella is the single most entitled character in fiction I swear. I thought Wanderer was bad…

The chapter begins with Bella being driven to the airport by her mother. She says it’s 75 degrees in Phoenix (where she’s leaving from) and I have to say, I was at the Phoenix airport one day this summer and I would have killed for it to have been only 75 degrees. So I’m assuming that puts this in fall or winter… It’s not explicitly stated anywhere so I’m just using that as a hint.

I was wearing my favorite shirt — sleeveless, white eyelet lace; I was wearing it as a farewell gesture. My carry-on item was a parka.

As a Canadian I find the assertion that she needs a parka for anywhere in the US outside of Alaska insulting. But as someone who wears the same coat in +40 Fahrenheit as I wear in -40 (oddly enough -40 is the same whether you go by Fahrenheit or Celsius), perhaps I’m not the right person to judge that…

She’s going to Forks, Washington. So not even as far north as the main portion of the US gets, and not even on the colder of the two oceans. We learn that her dad’s lived there her whole life, but her mother ‘escaped’ with her when she was only a few months old. From that description you might think she escaped an abusive husband, but no, Bella is just being melodramatic about how awful Forks is.

drama queen

It was in this town that I’d been compelled to spend a month every summer until I was fourteen. That was the year I finally put my foot down; these past three summers, my dad, Charlie, vacationed with me in California for two weeks instead.

This is only paragraph 2 of chapter 1 and already Bella has made it abundantly clear to the reader that she is the most entitled, spoiled, miserable little brat that’s ever been passed off as the protagonist. She ‘put her foot down’ and MADE HER DAD FLY HER TO CALIFORNIA TO VISIT HER! If I were him I would remind her that he is legally entitled to his visitations with her and she is not old enough to get to say where those visitations should be!

It was to Forks that I now exiled myself— an action that I took with great horror. I detested Forks.

Really? I was under the impression you loved it! And no, she doesn’t say WHY she’s going. At least not in this chapter.

I loved Phoenix. I loved the sun and the blistering heat. I loved the vigorous, sprawling city.

She describes herself as exceptionally pale later in the chapter, so I’m going to have to argue with her assertion that she loves the sun.

Her mom tells her she doesn’t have to leave, then Bella goes on about how useless her mother is:

How could I leave my loving, erratic, harebrained mother to fend for herself ? Of course she had Phil now, so the bills would probably get paid, there would be food in the refrigerator, gas in her car, and someone to call when she got lost, but still…

She makes her mother sound like she’s incapable of doing anything for herself, even so simple as making sure her bills are paid or she eats. I am not being facetious or mean when I ask if her mother is mentally handicapped. If she actually needs help with all of that, perhaps Bella SHOULDN’T be leaving, no matter her reason. Or perhaps Bella shouldn’t have been in her primary custody to begin with, because how the hell did a woman who is too scatterbrained to feed herself possibly take care of a baby alone?

by all accounts

She lies to her mother that she’s going there because she wants to and her mother buys it. How that’s even POSSIBLE I have no idea. If she’s made it so clear in the past that she detests the place as to refuse to go even for 2 weeks a year, the only 2 weeks a year she ever gets to see her father, then her mother MUST be slow if she doesn’t know that’s bullshit. Or maybe her mother secretly hates her and just doesn’t want to feel bad about seeing her leave. Maybe her mom has been being a tool this whole time trying to get Bella to decide she’d rather live with her dad. Given Bella’s personality I wouldn’t blame her.

“I’ll see you soon,” she insisted. “You can come home whenever you want — I’ll come right back as soon as you need me.”

Come back from WHERE? Meyer, I know you love exposition, this would be the one time that would be okay!

She complains about the trip, and then she complains that Charlie (who she always calls Charlie, not Dad,

“Mom’s fine. It’s good to see you, too, Dad.” I wasn’t allowed to call him Charlie to his face.

and I have no idea why as other than that she’s a bitch and hates where he lives, I can’t see any level of hatred for her father himself. It doesn’t even seem like her parents split because of antagonism, it seems her mother is just constantly leaves men and moves on to a new one when she’s tired of the last one.) will pick her up in the police cruiser. Now; my dad was an RCMP officer when I was in high school. He had an unmarked car. He was not even supposed to drop me off at school on his way to work. The regular cop cars were even MORE off limits. You are NOT allowed to use the police vehicles for personal use because it’s seen as an abuse of power and miss use of government property. So this kind of irritates me… But Bella is bitching that she just doesn’t want him to pick her up because it’s ‘embarrassing’.

She goes on about how she’s going to have to get her own car because she doesn’t want to be seen in his, but when he picks her up he tells her he was already aware that she didn’t like him picking her up in the cruiser, so he bought her a truck. HE BOUGHT HER A TRUCK. And of course she’s not happy. She even gets snippy because he brings up a memory she’d rather forget. Which as far as I can tell is just having been in this town before. She doesn’t elaborate.

She bitches about how much it rains in Forks. Complains about the lack of sun. Complains about the cruiser. Complains about how much maintenance her FREE truck will require. Her dad tells her he’s already got that arranged in an affordable way because he thought of everything and just wants her to not be miserable while she’s there. He has no idea why she’s moved there either because apparently Bella didn’t even bother to explain her reasons to her PARENTS let alone the readers.

sheldon-gif

She says that her being happy in Forks is an impossibility. What a miserable bitch. It is ALWAYS possible to be happy when your biggest problem seems to be that you don’t like the weather. You just need to suck it up and realize that there’s more to life than sun bathing, which you clearly didn’t even fucking do anyway! She even admits the scenery is beautiful, but then adds that it’s TOO pretty. It’s ‘alien’. This bitch is just TRYING not to be happy.

She DOES actually seem to like the truck when she finally sees it, but then clarifies that that by no means means she can be happy!

“Wow, Dad, I love it! Thanks!” Now my horrific day tomorrow would be just that much less dreadful.

Anyone that likes this character is just wrong. Anyone that sees themselves in this character makes me depressed.

The room was familiar; it had been belonged to me since I was born.

I found a typo.

Leave me my petty victories

Leave me my petty victories

Charlie also bought her a computer and got the internet for her. Instead of being happy about that she complains that she’ll have to share a bathroom with him. God for fucking bid. I once shared 1 small bathroom with my parents, my sister, her husband, their daughter, AND their obnoxious roommate! And I was HAPPY about getting to stay there! Mind you that situation was temporary while I moved out to this province trying to get set up and my parents were visiting for an extended period of time, and now I have 2 bathrooms despite that it’s just me living here, but I’m also old enough to pay my own goddamn rent. So suck it the fuck up princess.

She says the best thing about Charlie is that he fucks off and leaves her alone. She obviously words it differently, but that’s what she’s saying. This man has been nothing but nice to her. We have ABSOLUTELY no reason to believe he is ever anything but nice to her. He bought her a car and a computer. He’s giving her a home where she is welcome and loved. I know people who would KILL to have loving, supportive parents. Not even ones that gave them free stuff, just ones that actually wanted them.

She starts complaining about how school is going to suck.

I would be the new girl from the big city, a curiosity, a freak.

Maybe, if I looked like a girl from Phoenix should, I could work this to my advantage. But physically, I’d never fit in anywhere. I should be tan, sporty, blond — a volleyball player, or a cheerleader, perhaps

Huh. As far as I know, the only thing the average person who’s never been there associates with Arizona is old white racists, weird new agey things/people, and Canadians who don’t want to winter in Florida… I think she’s thinking of California.

Instead, I was ivory-skinned, without even the excuse of blue eyes or red hair, despite the constant sunshine. I had always been slender, but soft somehow, obviously not an athlete

Know what it means when you’re skinny but ‘soft’? It means you’ve got almost no muscle definition at all. It means that despite being skinny, your body fat percentage is higher than it should be. Congratulations; you’re what people in gyms like to call ‘skinny-fat’ and also the type of person that tends to end up being really surprised when they’re diagnosed with diabetes later in life, because that’s a fat person disease and you’re skinny! Go for a walk every once in a while.

Is it obvious I hate this girl? I don’t think it’s obvious enough yet.

Hate Her

Maybe it was the light, but already I looked sallower, unhealthy. My skin could be pretty — it was very clear, almost translucent-looking — but it all depended on color. I had no color here.

Translucent skin is a possible indicator of several disorders including Cushings Disease, Cancer, iron deficiency, anemia…

Facing my pallid reflection in the mirror, I was forced to admit that I was lying to myself. It wasn’t just physically that I’d never fit in. And if I couldn’t find a niche in a school with three thousand people, what were my chances here?

First of all; how does not standing out physically mean you won’t fit in physically? Not being what you happen to consider drop dead gorgeous (and personally tanned blonde cheerleader types don’t generally do it for me, but to each his own) means you can’t fit in at all? And maybe if you couldn’t fit in in Arizona, you’ll have a better chance of fitting in somewhere so drastically different. Maybe you could take this as a fresh start. But I suppose that would require being open to the idea of being happy. And we can’t have that.

Sometimes I wondered if I was seeing the same things through my eyes that the rest of the world was seeing through theirs.

I’m going to guess and say you’re probably right about that! But not for the reasons you want to believe.

I skipped over her going to bed crying over nothing but her self-imposed ‘hell’ because ugh. But in the morning she eats with her dad and comments that all the pictures on his wall are the wedding photo of him and her mother, the photo in the hospital after she was born, and her school pictures. The man really loved her mother, and really loves her. I feel really bad for this guy. Instead of realizing how much her dad loves her and thinking maybe she can be okay with staying with him for the rest of the year before she goes off to college, she thinks about how embarrassing the pictures are and how she wants to try and talk him into putting them away.

She then goes on about how the fact that he never got over her mom makes her uncomfortable and leaves early for school to get out of the house. And complains about the weather. Every single thing this girl does or thinks is a complaint.

like to stop listening

The school is a collection of small buildings. Is this normal for small towns in the US? I’ve lived in a couple of small Canadian towns and they either have a regular school or you have to go to a neighbouring town that has a regular school. I’ve never heard of a school that looks like a collection of small houses…

She gets nostalgic for metal detectors. What? Why? How? Then she complains that the head office is too warm. For someone who bitches that it’s not warm enough in that town I find this irritating. She also bitches that there are too many plants.

The desk clerk is very friendly and helpful and she returns that by faking a smile and leaving as fast as she can. She gets to class (taking a whole page of needless descriptions to get there) and whines about the teacher’s response to her presence, and whines about how the students are looking at her, and goes on again about her skin tone. Then she complains that the reading list is boring because she’s already read it all and wonders if her mother will help her cheat by sending her the essays she’d already done on them for old classes and drifts off in class thinking about how to win that argument with her mother.

When the bell rang, a nasal buzzing sound, a gangly boy with skin problems and hair black as an oil slick leaned across the aisle to talk to me.

“You’re Isabella Swan, aren’t you?” He looked like the overly helpful, chess club type.

Hey! I was in chess club, bitch!  Chess club is not an insult, don’t use it like one!

Bitch I will Cut You

He asks what her next class is, she tells him it’s ‘government’, which I call bullshit on. Small town without even a proper school building and less than 400 students would likely not have the funding to have electives like ‘government’.

The guy’s name is Eric and Bella bitches about his helpfulness as he offers to show her where her next class is. I bet she wouldn’t be complaining if she didn’t think he was ugly.

She makes a bad joke and then sighs heavily and thinks that him not getting it means the whole town doesn’t have a sense of humour because she’s horrible. Eric doesn’t catch on that she doesn’t like him or that she’s horrible, so for some reason he hopes they have more classes together and points her towards her building.

Oh right, I’ve been skipping over the parts where she trips over her own feet on a regular basis. She does that a couple times.

There was always someone braver than the others who would introduce themselves and ask me questions about how I was liking Forks. I tried to be diplomatic, but mostly I just lied a lot.

Pretty sure that’s what diplomacy actually is.

She seems to make a friend whose name she doesn’t bother remembering and she picks on the poor girl’s hair and height while ignoring everything the girl was trying to talk to her about. The unnamed girl invites her to sit with her and her friends for lunch and she accepts, and doesn’t bother to listen to the names of anyone she’s introduced to. Because why even bother TRYING to make friends! She was so set on the idea that she couldn’t that she’s self-sabotaging. Sadly all these people are too dumb to catch on and they all think she’s awesome.

Yup.  Soooo awesome.  Just gonna sit here and contemplate how awesome it is.

Yup. Soooo awesome. Just gonna sit here and contemplate how awesome it is.

We finally see Edward and his family. They’re all apparently unbelievably gorgeous and she stares at them like a magpie trying to figure out how to steal a piece of tinfoil. They all have food in front of them, but aren’t touching any of it. I know this is because they’re vampires and don’t eat, but if that’s the problem then why draw attention to that fact by having uneaten food on your plates? Why bother going to the cafeteria at all?

Now that the girl serves a purpose to her, Bella can be bothered to remember her name. She gets Jessica to tell her who the pretty people are. They’re the adopted children of the local doctor and his wife. Four of the five are also dating. Which is only not weird because I know their circumstances. To outsiders that would look too much like incest to not make them stand out, so if they want to be ignored why not hide that fact?

Bella bitches that Jessica doesn’t seem to like them so that means she must be a jealous bitch. Can’t possibly be that there’s actually a reason for it. She reiterates that she thinks she must be jealous when Jessica tells her that Edward doesn’t date.

One of my new acquaintances, who considerately reminded me that her name was Angela, had Biology II with me the next hour. We walked to class together in silence. She was shy, too.

You’re not shy, you’re self-absorbed. Big difference.

60873-Alison-Brie-yes-theres-a-diffe-MSnz

Edward is in her Biology class and apparently acts like she’s the most repulsive thing he’s ever laid eyes on. The only empty seat is beside him, and he spends the whole class edged as far away from her as his seat will allow with a massive scowl on his face. She justifiably finds this unnerving and tries to hide from him and check that she doesn’t smell bad. For once she’s actually responding in a way I can see a reasonable human respond.

At the end of the class Edward bolts and Bella gets hit on by another guy. This one’s name is Mike and he’s ‘cute’ in a ‘boyish’ way. I’m either going to hate this character or feel massively bad for him. Possibly both. She comments that he was the ‘nicest person she met all day’, to which I have to wonder what was wrong with Jessica. She was nice. Her shy friend Angela was nice. Eric was nice. The desk clerk had been nice. Who wasn’t nice other than Edward?!

Mike hits on her, telling her that he doesn’t get why Edward was acting that way, because he’d have loved to have been the one sitting beside her. She smiles and walks away without responding, thinking he “wasn’t enough to ease my irritation”. Because the people around you are just tools you use to boost your mood and if they’re not good enough then you can just toss them aside right? Glad we’ve established that early.

She gets out of participating in gym and at the end of the day she goes back to the office to drop off some paperwork and there is Edward, trying to get out of their only shared class. He fails, gives her a dirty look, and she’s very confused and feels like crap. And again, that’s actually a completely justifiable response.

makes sense

Chapter 2: Open Book

The book starts with Mike being assertive and sitting next to her in English, and walking with her to her next class, and she says she’s ‘flattered’ that it made ‘chess club Eric’ (seriously, fuck you Bella) jealous.

She feels like she’s finally making strides with people now that she has a whole table’s worth of people flocking around her at lunch. If this is what she considers ‘doing okay’, what the fuck does she actually WANT? The whole SCHOOL to sit with her at lunch?

She makes a whole list about every little thing bad with the day, and on that list is that Edward isn’t there. He made you feel like shit. He acted like you were walking poison. Him not being there should be a GOOD thing.

Mike, who was taking on the qualities of a golden retriever, walked faithfully by my side to class.

I’m starting to take this personally.

It looked like I was going to have to do something about Mike, and it wouldn’t be easy. In a town like this, where everyone lived on top of everyone else, diplomacy was essential. I had never been enormously tactful; I had no practice dealing with overly friendly boys.

JfEw28h

I was relieved that I had the desk to myself, that Edward was absent. I told myself that repeatedly. But I couldn’t get rid of the nagging suspicion that I was the reason he wasn’t there. It was ridiculous, and egotistical, to think that I could affect anyone that strongly. It was impossible. And yet I couldn’t stop worrying that it was true.

You’re right. It is ridiculous and egotistical. But, I actually have to give her some leeway on this. The strength of his reaction to her probably does justify that thought coming up once or twice at least. Though the fact that she’s ‘worried’ it’s true is confusing. She shouldn’t be ‘worried’, she should be happy he’s not there, regardless of the reason. He made her feel like shit. For no reason. If someone does that to you, you should not like them. You should not want them around. And you should definitely not feel like you did something wrong. You are not responsible for how other people react to your very presence. If she had actually done something to him, fine, she can feel bad. But she didn’t. She should understand that his mental state is not her responsibility. No one should ever feel responsible for other people’s problems.

Remember how in the last chapter Bella ragged on Jessica for being jealous of the Cullen’s? Of course you do, I only mentioned it two pages ago. Well when she’s on her way home, she sees them getting into a ‘shiny new Volvo’ and notices that they’re wearing designer clothes, and thinks it’s ‘excessive’ for them to have both good looks AND money. Yet she’s totally better than Jessica. Jessica was jealous! Bella isn’t jealous, she’s just thinking of the balance of the universe! It’s a karma thing!

The isolation must be their desire; I couldn’t imagine any door that wouldn’t be opened by that degree of beauty.

Because remember kids; the only thing that matters is being beautiful.

20219-and-nothing-else-matters

She goes shopping because apparently Charlie has lived alone for nearly 2 decades without learning how to feed himself so Bella must do it. I don’t see how that’s actually possible, but okay. He doesn’t even go with her to get groceries, he just gives her money and she goes on her own and gets supper ready. Her mom’s sent her a bunch of emails wondering why she hasn’t sent her anything letting her know she got in safe, and considering my own mother does the same thing, this is another thing in this book that actually comes off as something real people do.

She tells her mother to relax and realize she’s not going to check her email every 5 minutes, but it’s been more than 5 minutes, it’s been a few days. You are her 17 year old daughter who went alone to the other side of the country and she hasn’t heard whether you actually made it or not for days. My mother would have had a heart attack by that point and I haven’t lived at home in over a decade.

[Charlie] hung up his gun belt and stepped out of his boots as I bustled about the kitchen. As far as I was aware, he’d never shot the gun on the job. But he kept it ready. When I came here as a child, he would always remove the bullets as soon as he walked in the door. I guess he considered me old enough now not to shoot myself by accident, and not depressed enough to shoot myself on purpose.

Serious moment here: chances are if that thought occurs to you, whether you realize it or not, you ARE that depressed. Please talk to someone. If it even occurs to you that that is something you could do, there’s a good chance that it occurred to you because part of your brain was considering the viability of the option. This isn’t true for everyone obviously, but I have seen people who didn’t think they were that depressed (or thought they just had no right to be that depressed) who one day found themselves completely breaking down over ‘nothing’ and trying to kill themselves. Please do not let this be you.

“What’s for dinner?” he asked warily. My mother was an imaginative cook, and her experiments weren’t always edible. I was surprised, and sad, that he seemed to remember that far back.

Sad? Why would that be sad? I would be nervous if someone was cooking for me when I knew they probably learned from someone who had a bad habit of making food that I couldn’t eat. Hell, I get nervous when there’s someone new cooking because there are lots of people who think they can cook, who don’t seem to understand what spices are for. Or who think popping a frozen pizza in the oven counts as ‘cooking’.

americas favourite flavour

It seems Charlie has some issues with Bella and her mother leaving. Over supper she tells him about the people she’s been meeting in school, he gives some background into their families, and she obviously asks about the Cullen’s because she’s obsessed with how pretty they are. He gets really mad talking about how the town won’t except them despite that they should be happy to have such a skilled doctor around, and how ‘they stick together, like a family should’. Though he also later talks about how attractive Dr Cullen is so perhaps it’s not resentment over his wife leaving him and taking his only child so much as he’s defensive over his crush.

Bella doesn’t catch on that there may have been a not so subtle dig on her mother there, and just talks about how pretty they are some more.

For some reason Charlie doesn’t help her with the dishes, which I find kind of annoying. She cooked, he should clean. It’s only fair. But apparently Meyer is pushing the more ‘traditional’ role of women in the household. Such a wonderful role model, this one.

Edward is out of school for the rest of the week and Bella obviously notices every single day he’s absent. And instead of dealing with Mike’s unrequited crush on her, she accepts going to the beach with him and his friends. Because that’s exactly how you should handle unwanted attention: just go with it!

just go with it

Bella uses the word ‘bogus’. Is that a thing kids still say? I thought that was a 90’s thing.

All in all, I was feeling a lot more comfortable than I had thought I would feel by this point. More comfortable than I had ever expected to feel here.

Oh my god! Does that mean you can be, gasp, happy?!

“Wow,” Mike said. “It’s snowing.”

I looked at the little cotton fluffs that were building up along the sidewalk and swirling erratically past my face.

“Ew.” Snow. There went my good day.

…Of course not.

And there’s more than a page of her complaining about how horrible it is that it’s snowing and people are throwing snow balls. And then she goes to lunch and Edward is back and omg you guys, it’s soooo awful! She considers faking sick and skipping their shared class. For someone who says at the start of the book that she’s a terrible liar she has lied a LOT. I am not exaggerating when I say that nearly every single interaction she has with other people something she says is tagged with some variation of ‘I lied’. This one is that her fear over Edward being back gets everyone worried about her so instead of telling them that this guy made her feel uncomfortable and unsafe and she is worried now that he’s back, she’s telling them she’s feeling sick. And again I feel the need to be serious; if someone makes you feel that fearful, you should tell someone. You have a right to feel safe. If someone glares at you like you killed their dog and they’re plotting revenge, you should probably tell someone.

She stares at Edward until he finally looks in her direction and she ducks her head and stares at her table instead. Jessica notices that he’s looking at her and comments on it, Bella considers beating her to get her to stop looking in his direction. This is our protagonist people.

heavy sigh

I’ve seen books where the main character was a jackass, but they’re usually intended to be a jackass. Either they learn some kind of lesson, you’re supposed to realize why what they’re doing is awful, or the character has some other redeeming quality that makes them still endearing enough to want to follow along. I know Bella doesn’t learn to be less of a bitch to people, I know we’re not supposed to see her relationship with Edward as a bad thing (unless you’re one of the people who wanted her to get with the werewolf I guess) and Bella doesn’t have any redeeming qualities that would give me reason to want to keep following her to see where she ends up. Remember; when you’re writing from a single perspective, the main character should in some way be likeable. Your readers should give a shit about what happens to them.

She gets to biology and Edward introduces himself, saying he ‘didn’t get a chance to’ last time. Bella starts to wonder if she’d misinterpreted his hate face last time and it hadn’t actually been all about her. If I didn’t already know it was totally all about her, I would think this was room for character growth and a lesson about jumping to conclusions.

She makes herself look smart to Edward by being really good at the lab they’re doing. She’s only that good at it because she says she’d already done that exact lab in Phoenix. So he’s impressed with her intelligence, and she gets smug about it, when really she’s just cheating. Though in her defense he’s doing the exact same thing. So they’re both smug jackasses. Awesome.

tenth-doctor-fantastic

The teacher calls her on her cheating, but Meyer can’t let the readers think she’s not smart so he says that she must have been in an advanced Biology class! Ooooo! We’re supposed to be impressed! I took mostly advanced classes in high school including Biology. Want to know why? BECAUSE THEY’RE EASIER! Funny thing about advanced classes is they tend to be paced differently and more open to discussion. They’re generally for people who actually enjoy the subjects they’re working on and want to cultivate that environment rather than just shoving a bunch of people who just want a science credit into a room and trying to get them a passing grade. It’s an entirely different environment that’s a lot more pleasant to learn in. There are exceptions, obviously. Advanced math classes are harder as there’s not really a lot of discussion to be had on calculus. But sciences and language courses? Much easier.

Anyway, we learn that she moved to Forks because Phil, her mother’s newest husband (who she says is too young for her) is a minor league baseball player and moves around based on what team he’s playing for at the moment and she felt like she was tethering her mother to Arizona. But if she was willing to move why not just move to where Phil was going? It’s not like ball players switch teams mid-season. Yeah he would travel for games but you don’t move every time you have an away game. I’m sure at 17 she can handle her mother going away for a few days at a time if she wants to go with him. There is absolutely no justification for her to move to a place she hates instead of going to a place she’d rather be with her mother (her mom mentioned being in Florida earlier in the emails, and I’m pretty sure Florida isn’t cold and wet).

“She stayed with me at first, but she missed him. It made her unhappy… so I decided it was time to spend some quality time with Charlie.” My voice was glum by the time I finished.

“But now you’re unhappy,” he pointed out.

“And?” I challenged.

“That doesn’t seem fair.” He shrugged, but his eyes were still intense.

I laughed without humor. “Hasn’t anyone ever told you? Life isn’t fair.”

Pooooor baaaaaby. I feel soooooo bad for you! Let me get out my violin!

smallest violin

Edward says he thinks she’s ‘suffering more than she lets on’ as though she’s got actual justification for her perpetual bad mood instead of her just whining that everything isn’t the way she wants it to be because she’s too dumb to realize there was a better choice. She gets snippy at him and he asks if he’s annoying her. She says she’s annoyed that she’s so easy to read, and he says he actually finds her very difficult to read. It’s a really pointless and annoying exchange that I could have done without.

The chapter ends with her whining about Mike some more and then also using the fact that he likes her to get out of doing anything in gym class, because of course. Why would I expect anything else at this point? And then she gets laughed at in the parking lot when she nearly hits another car.

Chapter 3: Phenomenon

This is a thankfully significantly shorter chapter. It’s also really stupid.

She bitches about the weather, because it had the audacity to snow and how dare the weather not take into account that she’s a klutz and never freeze over!

I felt excited to go to school, and that scared me. I knew it wasn’t the stimulating learning environment I was anticipating, or seeing my new set of friends. If I was being honest with myself, I knew I was eager to get to school because I would see Edward Cullen. And that was very, very stupid.

Yes, that is very, very stupid. Glad we’re on the same page.

In the last chapter she’d commented that his eyes were a different colour than they had been the first day and he looked at her like she had three heads.

I should be avoiding him entirely after my brainless and embarrassing babbling yesterday. And I was suspicious of him; why should he lie about his eyes?

consider the following

Perhaps because the fact that you noticed and memorized the eye colour of someone that you only have one class with who never even spoke to you when you couldn’t even remember the names of the people you’d spent three classes talking to is weird? And you’re being obsessive and creepy? And pretty massively presumptuous that you’re right with absolutely no evidence but your memory that’s clearly faulty?

She complains about how covered in ice the driveway is but I find it pretty obvious that Meyer does not come from a place where snow and ice are common. Because if she did she would know that everyone with half a brain in places like that keeps a bag of salt or sand or something on hand to spread on the ice for that very reason. And since Charlie was smart and considerate enough to put chains on her tires for her before he left that morning I would be surprised if he didn’t spread some sand on his driveway to keep her from falling.

My truck seemed to have no problem with the black ice that covered the roads.

…Okay, yeah, definitely not from the lands of ice and snow. Look, black ice and regular ice? Not the same thing. Not exactly anyway. Black ice refers to surprise ice. Ice you didn’t know was there because it’s virtually invisible on the black pavement, hence the name, and you suddenly find yourself unable to stop. Regular ice covered roads are just called ice covered roads.

This is what the roads would look like.  There would be slick ice, but it's not 'black ice'

This is what the roads would look like. There would be slick ice, but it’s not ‘black ice’

Charlie had gotten up who knows how early to put snow chains on my truck. My throat suddenly felt tight. I wasn’t used to being taken care of, and Charlie’s unspoken concern caught me by surprise.

So maybe you should consider being nicer to him? Just a thought.

For some reason when there’s a van skidding towards her in the icy parking lot about to squish her into a tiny blood flavoured Bella pancake, she takes the time to notice where Edward is standing. Because that’s definitely relevant enough to pay attention to at this specific moment in time. Though she says she ‘doesn’t even have time to close her eyes’ before she’s going to be crushed, so how the fuck she had the time to look around and assess his relative position to her is a little weird. But it’s just a plot point so it obviously had to be mentioned or we wouldn’t know that Edward is a wizard!

Wait, sorry, wrong series.

Wait, sorry, wrong series.

Obviously Edward saves her from getting killed but she smacks her head on the pavement anyway. The van keeps coming towards her and Edward stops it with his bare hands, drags her out of the path, and plants the van where people would have expected it to end up so fast that Bella says he was blurry. Obviously though she saw all of it and couldn’t at all chalk it up to head injury or confusion. Nope, she knows exactly what she saw and she must be right.

Edward says he’d been standing next to her when the car hit when she asks how he moved to her side so quickly, but she doesn’t except this. The students start swarming and someone shouts to get Tyler (the driver) out of the van. DO NOT DO THAT! If you see a car accident where there may be serious injury particularly to the head or neck, DO NOT MOVE THE PERSON YOURSELF UNLESS THERE IS IMMINENT DANGER! If you are not a trained medical professional just call the ambulance.  For the love of god you will probably kill or paralyze them! DON’T DO THAT!

She fights with Edward some more about his location prior to the crash and he promises to explain later if she’ll just piss off about it now. When the EMT’s arrive she gets mad at him for telling them she probably has a concussion. And at no point in any of this has she said ‘thank you for saving my life’. Instead she gets mad that her dad showed up. Because how DARE your father be concerned that you ALMOST DIED!

how very dare you

Actually I need to think about this for a moment. You know, most cars in parking lots, especially after a fresh snow/ice, aren’t going more than… what the hell is the equivalent in MPH, 10? Probably 10MPH. That’s enough that getting pinned between the van and her truck would definitely have done some damage, but she made it sound like it was careening towards her at highway speeds. How could she possibly not have had time to move on her own?

She bitches that Edward gets to go to the hospital without a stretcher. She bitches that her dad is there in the waiting room. She bitches that there are other kids in the waiting room. And, wait, why ARE the other kids in the waiting room? What the hell is up with that?

Apparently Tyler is in ‘rough shape’. And again I point out the speeds he was going he’d maybe have whiplash (if he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt) and could have some bruises (if he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt). Beyond that he should be fine. But he goes on and on about how sorry he is for nearly hitting her and he confirms her theory that Edward wasn’t there by asking how she got out of the way and being confused when she says he saved her.

They wheeled me away then, to X-ray my head. I told them there was nothing wrong, and I was right. Not even a concussion.

Is she implying that you test for a concussion with an X-Ray or just saying that the X-Ray confirmed no cranial fractures and they also independently confirmed she doesn’t have a concussion? If the latter; that’s poorly worded. If the former, you don’t check for concussions with X-Rays. Hell, the fact that she remembers the accident in such vivid detail practically rules out a concussion anyway. Also the way she puts that she’s making a concussion seem like the mild possibility. A mild fracture is a lot less potentially harmful than a concussion. A concussion can kill you. It can screw up your memory, it can screw up your ability to speak… There is nothing not serious about a concussion.

So I was trapped in the ER, waiting, harassed by Tyler ‘s constant apologies and promises to make it up to me.

How dare he be upset about nearly killing another human being! Suck it up, you’re annoying the center of the universe!

bow to me

Edward comes and smiles as he tells her he’s there to free her from the prison that is the hospital and his dad comes in behind him. Obviously he’s the prettiest of the pretty people. She gets snippy when Dr Cullen suggests she should go home and rest for the day because Edward gets to go back to school. She sounds like a petulant little child.

“It sounds like you were extremely lucky,” Dr. Cullen said, smiling as he signed my chart with a flourish.

“Lucky Edward happened to be standing next to me,” I amended with a hard glance at the subject of my statement.

“Oh, well, yes,” Dr. Cullen agreed, suddenly occupied with the papers in front of him. Then he looked away, at Tyler, and walked to the next bed. My intuition flickered; the doctor was in on it.

If this were any other book she would be a crazy person. Yes, the fact that he doesn’t jump for joy that his son jumped in front of a car careening towards him to save a stranger totally means there’s a cover up going on. Can’t possibly be that he’s concerned that his son could have died and it makes him uncomfortable to think about. She gets Edward alone and gets petulant again.

“You owe me an explanation,” I reminded him.

“I saved your life — I don’t owe you anything.”

I flinched back from the resentment in his voice. “You promised.”

You still haven’t said thank you. Mind your own courtesies before you expect others to.

“Nobody will believe that, you know.” His voice held an edge of derision now.

“I’m not going to tell anybody.” I said each word slowly, carefully controlling my anger.

Surprise flitted across his face. “Then why does it matter?”

“It matters to me,” I insisted. “I don’t like to lie — so there’d better be a good reason why I’m doing it.”

Every single interaction she’s had has included a lie. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.

“Can’t you just thank me and get over it?”

“Thank you.” I waited, fuming and expectant.

…Nope. That doesn’t count.

We scowled at each other in silence. I was the first to speak, trying to keep myself focused. I was in danger of being distracted by his livid, glorious face. It was like trying to stare down a destroying angel.

1701 percent done

“Why did you even bother?” I asked frigidly.

He paused, and for a brief moment his stunning face was unexpectedly vulnerable. “I don’t know,” he whispered.

Neither do I!

When Charlie takes her home he tells her she has to call her mother and she gets so mad that he had the AUDACITY to tell her her daughter was in the hospital that she slams the door shut like a toddler having a temper tantrum. FUCK I hate this character SO MUCH!

She bitches some more about Charlie being a concerned parent and then goes to bed early and dreams of Edward because of fucking course she does.

Chapter 4: Invitations

She describes her dumb dreams about Edward which are dumb so I’m not going to go over them. She goes on about how annoying Tyler is over the next month, not at all considering that what happened was clearly traumatic for him and maybe she should suggest he seek counseling to deal with his guilt issue and help him moved past the incident instead of just getting mad at him for bothering her.

She also assumes he must have a crush on her because Mike and Eric don’t like him so apparently he’s another rival for them to fight with. And again at no point has she told them she’s not interested and perhaps they should stop fighting with each other and realize she’s not a prize for the victor in their rivalry. She just continues to be annoyed by their affection while also completely abusing it for personal gain.

For some reason everyone in the school is obsessed with her instead of Tyler or Edward. If this were any of the many schools I’ve been to (I moved a lot) the people getting all the attention would be the one that nearly did the killing and the one that did the saving. Especially since the saviour was the mysterious loner everyone thinks is attractive, and especially since every single witness says he wasn’t actually there until she was on the ground. This is not how reality works.

doesn't work that way

When he sat next to me in class, as far from me as the table would allow, he seemed totally unaware of my presence. Only now and then, when his fists would suddenly ball up — skin stretched even whiter over the bones — did I wonder if he wasn’t quite as oblivious as he appeared.

He wished he hadn’t pulled me from the path of Tyler ‘s van — there was no other conclusion I could come to.

Yes. That is totally the most logical explanation. It’s that he wishes he had let you die. Totally can’t be that he’s just hoping you’ll drop the whole thing and fuck off. Can’t be that he doesn’t care for you as a person what with how ungrateful you were to him. Nah, it’s that he wishes you were dead! Obviously! I know I do!

She gets super depressed because Edward doesn’t like her. She’s surrounded by friends (not just the clingy guys, she says her table at lunch is full of people) she’s in a loving home with a supportive and caring father, free truck, doing well in school, but because the attractive guy doesn’t like her, nothing else matters.

She says her emails to ‘Renee’ (apparently she calls her mother by her first name too instead of ‘mom’. Why? What purpose does this serve? What is the point?) ‘alerts’ her to her depression. She calls and is concerned, but Bella lies to her some more about how it’s nothing, it’s just the weather. I wouldn’t bother pointing out all the lies if she hadn’t said in every single chapter so far how she hates lying or how bad she is at it. Don’t bring attention to your characters hypocrisies if you don’t want them noticed!

For some reason they’re still planning a trip to the beach. It snowed and froze over. Unless this beach is several hours south then I am very confused as to how they think this is beach weather. Do you have any idea how cold that water would be?!

Jessica made me aware of another event looming on the horizon — she called the first Tuesday of March to ask my permission to invite Mike to the girls’ choice spring dance in two weeks.

what you said makes no sense

…Wait… oh man am I ever confused as fuck… okay… if the upcoming dance is the middle of March, that means… everything prior to this was happening in February? I thought baseball season was in the summer. Why would her mom need to follow Phil around in the middle of hockey season? Why was it surprising to everyone that there was snow in February? Why was this the first snow of the new year? Why would she move part way through the school year if she already did all the shopping and bill paying and her mother wasn’t getting rid of the house? Why not just finish up the school year in Arizona and have her mom send her money? Why are they going to the beach in MARCH in a northern state?! Why does my head hurt?!

“Are you sure you don’t mind… you weren’t planning to ask him?” she persisted when I told her I didn’t mind in the least.

“No, Jess, I’m not going,” I assured her. Dancing was glaringly outside my range of abilities.

“It will be really fun.” Her attempt to convince me was halfhearted. I suspected that Jessica enjoyed my inexplicable popularity more than my actual company.

Or perhaps she just recognizes that the guy she likes has a massive crush on you and she knows she has no chance to get him to go with her if you’re going to the dance. You really don’t like this girl do you? Why would you hang out with someone you clearly don’t like? You’ve said nothing nice about her at all! You wonder why you had no friends in Phoenix? It was because they all knew what a bitch you are while everyone here hasn’t figured it out yet!

The next day, I was surprised that Jessica wasn’t her usual gushing self in Trig and Spanish. She was silent as she walked by my side between classes, and I was afraid to ask her why. If Mike had turned her down, I was the last person she would want to tell.

Well, that is, unless she actually thought you were her friend and wanted someone to comfort her and make her feel better. But that would imply you were her friend and I probably shouldn’t make such assertions.

Mike talks to her at the start of Biology, says he told Jessica he would ‘think about it’ when she asked him and asks if Bella had intended to ask him to the dance. Instead of taking this perfect opportunity to make it clear that she doesn’t like him so he can move on and maybe her friend can have a chance, she continues to string him along by saying that the only reason she’s not asking him is because she’s going out of town that day so he should just go have fun with Jessica. She is hurting two people by doing this while also continuing the trend of attention she does not want. Everyone loses by her not just saying, ‘I’m sorry, I’m not interested in asking anyone to the dance.’ That’s it. That’s all she had to do.

He handed you the easy button and you threw it away

He handed you the easy button and you threw it away

“Bella?” His voice shouldn’t have been so familiar to me, as if I’d known the sound of it all my life rather than for just a few short weeks.

It’s not even a few short weeks, you’ve talked to him three times and outside of that he never speaks.

“It’s better if we’re not friends,” he explained. “Trust me.”

My eyes narrowed. I’d heard that before.

“It’s too bad you didn’t figure that out earlier,” I hissed through my teeth. “You could have saved yourself all this regret.”

“Regret?” The word, and my tone, obviously caught him off guard. “Regret for what?”

“For not just letting that stupid van squish me.”

He was astonished. He stared at me in disbelief.

Again; not wanting to be someone’s friend, and finding someone annoying, is not the same as wishing they were dead. The fact that Bella thinks that way suggests to me that she would rather everyone she doesn’t like die horribly. Just saying.

When he finally spoke, he almost sounded mad. “You think I regret saving your life?”

“I know you do,” I snapped.

“You don’t know anything.” He was definitely mad.

Can’t imagine why! I totally wouldn’t be mad that someone thinks I’d be okay with letting a virtual stranger die just because she kinda bugs me. That’s a perfectly reasonable thing to assume.

I kind of feel like using gifs of the actors that starred in these movies is cheating a little bit, but whatever.

I kind of feel like using gifs of the actors that starred in these movies is cheating a little bit, but whatever.

Gym was brutal. We’d moved on to basketball. My team never passed me the ball, so that was good, but I fell down a lot. Sometimes I took people with me. Today I was worse than usual because my head was so filled with Edward. I tried to concentrate on my feet, but he kept creeping back into my thoughts just when I really needed my balance.

Chances are if you need all your attention to not fall over, you probably have an inner ear issue you should really see someone about. You should probably also see someone about your obsession issues.

Apparently Tyler’s van had been completely totaled and ended up being sold for parts. Even if he’d been going 20mph instead of the more expected 10, I can’t imagine how he could have received THAT MUCH damage. I just don’t get it.

math-exam-doesnt-make-any-sense_547

Eric finds her after school and asks her to the dance, she says she’s flattered but she’ll be in Seattle that day, so maybe next time. So it’s not just Mike she’s keeping on the hook. Seriously; if you want a guy to STOP asking you out, don’t say ‘maybe next time’. They will take that literally.

When she’s trying to leave, Edward blocks her exit long enough for Tyler to come up and ask her to the dance too, and she says the same thing to him she said to Mike and Eric. Bella considers rear ending Edward’s car because she believes he’s laughing at her. This girl is massively self-absorbed. And surprisingly violent.

Jessica calls her while she’s making supper to get giddy over Mike saying yes to going with her and Bella uses her to try and get the other two off her back as well by getting Jess to set them up with her other friends. Jess doesn’t realize she’s being used so she does exactly that. If you want to know the difference between using someone and being nice to them, think about it this way: why are you doing the thing? Is it because the thing would genuinely benefit the person you’re doing it for, or are you doing it because the thing benefits you and the possibility of them enjoying it is just a bonus? If the latter; congratulations, you suck.

She goes back to making supper and thinks about Edward some more.

What did he mean, it was better if we weren’t friends?

My stomach twisted as I realized what he must have meant. He must see how absorbed I was by him; he must not want to lead me on… so we couldn’t even be friends… because he wasn’t interested in me at all.

Why are you upset by this? Other than how pretty he is, you have expressed nothing but disdain for him. It’s not because he saved your life, since you kind of seem to hate him for that. An hour prior to this you were considering ramming his car because you thought he was a jackass. WHY IS THIS A PROBLEM?! This is what you WISH would happen with the other three guys! But woe is Bella. So horrible that the guy she hates doesn’t love her.

Punch you in the face

Of course he wasn’t interested in me, I thought angrily, my eyes stinging — a delayed reaction to the onions. I wasn’t interesting. And he was. Interesting… and brilliant… and mysterious… and perfect… and beautiful… and possibly able to lift full-sized vans with one hand.

Your only evidence of his intelligence is that he kept up with you in biology. So by that logic he’s no smarter than you are. Everything else you list there is basically ‘omg he’s hot and he won’t talk to me, I NEED HIM’.

“Dad?” I asked when he was almost done.

“Yeah, Bella?”

“Um, I just wanted to let you know that I’m going to Seattle for the day a week from Saturday… if that’s okay?” I didn’t want to ask permission — it set a bad precedent — but I felt rude, so I tacked it on at the end.

Indy is confused

…I’m sorry, what? How does asking your father for permission to go to a big, dangerous city, alone, that you’ve never been to before, set a bad precedent? He’s your dad. He KIND of has a say in that. Especially since legally speaking that’s his truck you’re taking. And he’s a cop so he knows better than you what trouble you can get yourself into.

“Are you going all by yourself?” he asked, and I couldn’t tell if he was suspicious I had a secret boyfriend or just worried about car trouble.

Or, you know, maybe he’s your dad, and a cop, and worries about how the big city is dangerous and easy to get lost in and end up in a bad neighbourhood alone and in a beat up old truck that could break down. She doesn’t seem to have a cell phone to call if something goes wrong and even if she did she makes it sound like it’s a pretty long drive so he would struggle to get to her if she needed him.

“Seattle is a big city — you could get lost,” he fretted.

“Dad, Phoenix is five times the size of Seattle — and I can read a map, don’t worry about it.”

‘Daaaaad, the city I’ve lived in for years and had time to get used to with other people around making sure I was okay all the time is sooooo much bigger, so that TOTALLY means I won’t get lost at all!’ Anyway, he eventually caves after she bitches some more.

The next morning, when I pulled into the parking lot, I deliberately parked as far as possible from the silver Volvo. I didn’t want to put myself in the path of too much temptation and end up owing him a new car.

Ahhh, true love ❤ You know it’s strong when expressed through a desire for property damage.

Sarcasm

I fumbled with my key and it fell into a puddle at my feet. As I bent to get it, a white hand flashed out and grabbed it before I could. I jerked upright. Edward Cullen was right next to me, leaning casually against my truck.

“How do you do that?” I asked in amazed irritation.

“Do what?” He held my key out as he spoke. As I reached for it, he dropped it into my palm.

“Appear out of thin air.”

“Bella, it’s not my fault if you are exceptionally unobservant.” His voice was quiet as usual — velvet, muted.

No commentary, I just think that’s a fantastic burn.

Anyway, she confronts him about blocking her last night and he admits that was so Tyler could ask her out. She asks if he’s trying to irritate her to death since the van didn’t do the job, and again he gets completely justifiably pissed. She should really suck it the fuck up and piss off.

My palms tingled — I wanted so badly to hit something. I was surprised at myself. I was usually a nonviolent person. I turned my back and started to walk away.

Really Bella? Really? You’re non-violent? Shall we recount how many times you’ve thought about hurting people so far in this book?

Edward asks if she’d like a drive to Seattle since he overheard her. This rightfully confuses Bella since he said they shouldn’t be friends and that’s kind of the antithesis of that statement. But he says it’s because he was planning to go anyway and her truck didn’t look like it would make it all the way there.

“It would be more…prudent for you not to be my friend,” he explained. “But I’m tired of trying to stay away from you, Bella.”

Oh yeah, you tried so hard. I can tell.

“Will you go with me to Seattle ?” he asked, still intense.

I couldn’t speak yet, so I just nodded.

He smiled briefly, and then his face became serious.

“You really should stay away from me,” he warned. “I’ll see you in class.”

And that’s how the chapter ends. With Edward being a confusing dick.

So yeah, this is now way too long so I guess this is the end of part one and I’ll see you next week with part two of Twilight. It’s just riveting so far, I know you want to see what Bella whines about next!

Check out The Llama‘s posts on these chapters!  Till next time!

Minor Delay and On the Road

Yes, I know, I was supposed to have my summary of Twilight up today, but my computer crashed AGAIN yesterday and lost several chapters of progress, so I had to start all over. Thankfully, though, reading and writing about Twilight doesn’t make me feel like I’m putting myself through a special level of hell, so losing that progress didn’t make me want to gouge my eyes out…it just made me want to punch ‘autosave’ in the metaphorical balls.

I will say, though, that I’m going to make a slight adjustment to the plan. When I was writing the summary, I realized that trying to do the whole book in one post was probably a bit ridiculous; while most of the chapters are legitimately too dull to go chapter by chapter (even the longest I talked about any of the chapters I’d completed before I lost my work was less than half the length of my shortest reviews on The Host), there is still way too much for one post. So I’ll be breaking it up into 3 or 4 parts instead, and posting accordingly. The first post (barring another crash/save loss) should be up on Thursday. In the meantime, here’s a short:

 

 

The road had always stretched out in front of me for as far as I could see. All my life, I could see where I was going. I never liked it, but I knew where I was going. Occasionally there were choices to be made, but they were always easy; one way looked terrifying, the other looked clear and manageable, and I always chose the latter without even needing to think about it.

The road went on and on. I walked so far all alone, but occasionally someone would come along for a while…and then disappear again. I just kept going. I didn’t even know why most days; I just kept following the pavement. It had to be leading somewhere.

One day, I found myself making a turn I hadn’t even noticed was there. I went down the wrong way, and I panicked. I’d gone off the road! I was lost. I didn’t know where I was or where I was going. I couldn’t even see the road anymore! Where was I? What had I done?! Should I go back? Could I go back? Which way was back?!

I stumbled along, every tree looking bigger, older, and closer to the ones beside it. I was getting deeper and deeper into the forest, and more and more lost. Weren’t you supposed to stay still when you were lost in the woods? Someone would surely come find me…no, most likely no one would. I would probably just end up curling up into a ball and starving to death in a place where no one else was stupid enough to go.

I kept trudging forward, certain eventually I would stumble and be unable to get up. ‘Just keep walking’, I told myself. I had already been going for so long; surely I could keep going a little longer…though why I did, I had no idea. What was the point? What difference would it make if I died in one spot, or 50 feet away? No one would find me, and I would die, exhausted and alone, because I had made a wrong turn. It was almost dumb enough to make me laugh.

I felt sick. The forest was probably trying to kill me; it was probably full of germs, and the shit I was eating was probably poisonous. Perfect. I would die alone, exhausted, and retching. Just fucking perfect.

I kept walking anyway. Why did I keep walking? Why didn’t I just lie down? I knew I’d die; I didn’t care! I was tired! So tired…

I looked at the ground, trying to find a good place to lie, and noticed a dirt road beneath my feet. I looked behind me. Had it been there this whole time? I didn’t remember there being a road, I just remembered trees. Where had the road come from? I decided to keep walking. I stumbled a bit, but I kept walking.

The road ahead was paved. There were cars, and I could see people…not many, and a lot of them didn’t look very friendly, but maybe some of them could help me anyway. Maybe I could find somewhere to stop for a rest, or call a friend to come help me out…but did I even know where I was? Someone would surely tell me. There were people there! They could point me in the right direction! I would be okay.

The Host: The Movie

Man have I not been looking forward to watching this again. I watched this movie a couple of months ago after I actually finished reading the book but long before I decided reading the remaining chapters again was the worst torture I could imagine. It’s every bit as terrible the second time through.

Frustrated Sigh

So I’m sure by now we all picked up on the ever so subtle racism running throughout the book right? The ‘souls’ are very clearly named in the style you would imagine an ignorant white person would imagine Native American names to sound, and they’re all lovers of the Earth and peaceful and all the violent humans are white as the driven snow, but the white people are the ones showing the peaceful naturists that they’re missing out on fun or something. I’m not the only person that picked up on that right? Anyway, the movie clearly did pick up on it, because as far as I can tell they went really far out of their way to make as much of the cast on both sides of the conflict be played by black actors as they could get away with.

That’s not really relevant, I just wanted to point out that the producers validated my cries of racism throughout the whole book (though I tended to be calling Wanderer out for specism I suppose). Though I will highlight that Doc gets played by a Scott Lawrence who I’ve only seen get bit parts in cop dramas and unnamed background character roles in movies. I point this out because despite them only being bit parts I noticed him enough to remember him specifically because I thought he did an exceptional job whenever I saw him, so I was a mix between very pleased to see him get a bigger role and incredibly saddened that it was in The Host… He deserves way better than that.

The actual movie itself is crap. You knew it was going to be crap. I think the studio knew it was going to be crap, which is probably why I was only vaguely aware of its existence when it came out unlike Twilight and the upcoming 50 Shades movie. There was no real push on this because the whole world knew it was going to suck. Somehow it actually manages to suck harder than the book. And that’s saying a LOT.

It starts off the same as the book with Fords Deep Water inserting Wanderer into Melanie. I would like to point out that the size of the alien being inserted into the cranium would without even a shred of doubt murder the fuck out of the host human. There is not a lot of empty space in your skull. Because if there was, every time you stepped on the brakes for a stop sign any faster than coming to a slow crawl your brain would slam so hard into your skull you’d have at least a concussion if not die. There is not enough space for the worms. There just isn’t. They’re the size of your fucking hand! Inserted into the brainstem! Just no! And you can’t even claim that they shrink or they’re like memory foam and just squish up, because they would still displace the same amount of pressure just into different areas, and there is no area in your head or your spine that has enough room to house something the size of your hand without resulting in you dying or at best being paralyzed from the neck down. Sorry, just no.

Blaine_no,_just_no

Actually I lied, it starts off with a really weird narration by Uncle Jeb. He talks about how perfect the Earth is now that humans aren’t in charge, and then tries to build tension about the remaining human’s lives being at stake. It comes off as kind of weird. And then Melanie and Jamie are in a hotel. Melanie gets Jamie to hide, and then the aliens corner Melanie as she distracts them from his location so he can get away. But unlike in the book, the seekers are genuinely unarmed and are calmly talking to her trying to get her to put down her weapon and talk to them. Which goes with the weirdness of the message from the narration. So far while the tone seems to suggest that the humans are the protagonists, the movie itself clearly thinks the humans are evil and the aliens are perfect.

Anyway, back to the insertion. Through the whole thing there is this beautiful violin piece playing music that seems to suggest that this is just the most beautiful scene in the whole wide world. Again, this whole movie doesn’t seem to believe that the humans are in the right.

what-are-you-trying-to-say-gif

When Wanderer wakes up, there’s no sign whatsoever of the confusion or disorientation described in the books. No sign of conflict or adjustment to the body at all except that she speaks… like… this… when she gives herself a name. Which is a whole 3 words. And even the Seeker is calm and respectful. The only thing she does in this scene is say ‘when will she be able to work?’ and Fords responds ‘not now’, and she’s perfectly polite, no sign of sarcasm or annoyance, ‘of course Healer.’ And scene over.

I’m sorry to the actors in this, but my god, most of them are absolutely terrible. I know they have very little to work with, but jesus christ. A few of them are clearly decent actors just given nothing to work with, but most of them (including unfortunately THE MAIN CHARACTER) kind of really do a terrible job. I don’t know if they’re just bad or if they just knew this was going to suck and didn’t care, but they sure as fucking hell do not make this an easy sit. Wanderer comes off as engaging as a 2×4 and Melanie (done entirely in voice over with a filter to make it sound like she’s speaking from the other end of a tunnel) has this bad Southern drawl, and is constantly sounding panicked and angry even when the context doesn’t call for it.

She is constantly acting like this, even when there's no reason to be

She is constantly acting like this, even when there’s no reason to be

When Wanderer first realizes that Melanie is still alive, it happens because Melanie ‘wakes up’ (complete with ‘omg I just had a nightmare and must burst out of bed!’ gasp) and says she’s still alive and declares “This body is mine!” to which Wanderer gets up, looks at herself in the mirror and says, out loud for some reason (probably because having the majority of the movie be internal dialogue would get really confusing. Probably also why Melanie has an accent and Wanderer doesn’t), ‘No… mine…’ in the most non-committal way possible. Then that’s it. Scene over, moving on, nothing to see here!

25 - Nothing-to-see-here-move-along

The next scene Seeker has her in an interrogation room and goes over some expository dialogue about how the Soul’s work as though Wanderer doesn’t already know. The whole time Melanie just keeps randomly piping in to be a bitch. And yeah I know I felt bad for Melanie in the books, but seriously, the movie really really makes the humans look like the assholes. So much so that I have a hard time feeling for her! Not that I like Wanderer either since at this point the two quotes I’ve given you are literally the only things she’s said. I’ve not left out so much as a gasp. Ten minutes in and our lead character has said five words.

They do a flashback to show Melanie’s backstory and it is so goddamn stupid… She literally lives in a swamp in Louisiana. I have never been to Louisiana, but I have a sneaking suspicion that most people in that state do not live in the swamp. Complete with the house being on support beams in the water itself. Her dad shoots himself in the head while Melanie and Jamie hide in plain sight.  Not kidding, they are hiding under the house which we can actually see from the vantage point of some of the oncoming seeker cars, so there’s no reason they wouldn’t have found them, they just don’t for some reason.  And unlike the book, Wanderer learns she has a brother long before she learns she has a lover, again twisting Melanie’s character into something less likeable.

I completely expect to want to use this gif again when talking about Bella...

I completely expect to want to use this gif again when talking about Bella…

After that Wanderer walks home and looks around at all the happy people just living their lives in peace and says to Melanie that she understands where she’s coming from, but they have to think of the greater good. And while it does still reek of hypocrisy, it’s harder to see Melanie’s side of the story in this adaptation. Melanie counters that it’s murder, and I don’t disagree. But it’s harder to think it’s not kind of justified when everything we’ve seen about the humans so far is violence, and the only things we’ve seen from the aliens are technological advancement, peace, and offers to sit down and talk things over like adults.

The scene where Melanie meets Jared is okay. The actor playing Jared does an alright job and they almost have chemistry. Melanie’s manipulation of Wanderer is waaaaaaay more obvious in the movie though than it was in the book though. In the book she kind of just is wallowing in her happy memories and that’s why they keep coming up, but in the movie she’s deliberately trying to make Wanderer fall for Jared to get her to stop giving away their secrets.

God this movie is dull… There’s absolutely no tension. I can’t give a shit about any of the characters at all and it’s not just because I know they all suck because of the book. It’s because they’re all so goddamn bland! Seeker raises her voice at one point but it’s only because Wanderer keeps giving her just enough information to suggest she knows more, but then saying she’s got nothing more, and Seeker is kind of understandably frustrated.  But then she apologizes and calms down and there’s no more emotion at all.  I assume that was intentional given that the souls are supposed to have much more controlled emotions than humans, but it’s soooooo boooooring.

barney-bored

I’m going to take a moment to talk about the visuals. In the book, everything is basically the same as it was. They keep our cars and buildings. In the movie, all the seekers drive tin foil on wheels. And I don’t mean they just crumple in action scenes, I mean they’re made of hyper reflective aluminum/chrome for some reason. It’s weird. Yet there are regular cars around too. Just the seeker vehicles (also a helicopter and motorcycles, not just cars) are shiny reflective metal.  It is never explained why.  Also all the seekers are always wearing white, and all the humans are always wearing greys and browns.  Again with the aliens are pure and humans are dirty motif muddying who’s in the right here.  Which would be fine in a movie that actually asked that question, but they don’t here.  So making it so much less clear who’s right and who’s wrong just makes it confusing as hell.

Anyway, back to the movie. Melanie attacks Seeker, then they lock Wanderer up to try and do the body switch thing they were going to do in the book. So instead of just driving off on her own, Melanie forces her to escape by jumping from a third floor balcony into a fountain that should not at all be deep enough to break her landing but suddenly turns into a pool when she jumps. Melanie tells her they need to steal a car, so Wanderer walks up to someone driving past, politely asks for his station wagon, and he asks if there’s anything else he can help her with, that it’s a very reliable model, and that the tank is full as she drives off with it. And again I feel like the humans are the jerks.

Jerk-GIF

Wanderer thinks they’re going to see Fords to just get her removed so the Seeker can’t get her memories, but Melanie floods her with flashbacks to distract her while she takes over and leads them to the hideout. Wanderer justifiably gets ‘pissed’ (she kind of sounds annoyed) and turns the car around to head to Fords when she realizes what’s happening, so Melanie fights for control again and ends up flipping the car over. And again the human comes off as the douchebag. Remember how in the book it was Wanderer who CHOSE to go there instead of killing Melanie? Because Melanie had no control at all, causing her to be more sympathetic because she was trapped in her own body with no say whatsoever over what happened to it? Here she seems to be able to take over a decent amount and always does so in a way that gets Wanderer hurt, while Wanderer is trying to do right by her.

They nearly die in the desert like in the books, and Jeb finds them. The scene is actually pretty close to how it goes in the book, so I’m not going to bother going over it.

Kyle is small. In the books I kind of pictured him as being the size of The Undertaker, but instead he’s just kinda lanky I guess. He’s not really small, but I could kick his ass without even trying. This is not how I pictured him at all…

What I expected

What I expected

The actual actor

The actual actor

Actually nothing at all is how I pictured it. Melanie is supposed to be a soccer player, but the actress is so skinny you can see all her bones THROUGH HER CLOTHES. There’s no way in hell she’s athletic. Jared is about the same size as Kyle, Ian is a little skinnier than either of them, and all three guys faces look damn near identical. I have watched this movie more than once and I STILL can’t tell them apart. The cave is MASSIVE. The biggest lava caverns are barely 6 feet tall in real life, but the cave system in this movie is absofuckinglutely MASSIVE. The hole they stuck her in in the books was so small she couldn’t sit up, but here it’s tall enough to stand in and have space left over, and she’s laid out on a cot carved out of the stone on the wall, and there’s electric lights EVERYWHERE.

When they take her in, Jamie is the one who saves her instead of Jeb or Jared, which, fine, whatever. Jared still slaps her silly. Kyle and Ian show up and try and kill her, Jeb comes and stops them, the scene is similar enough to in the books. Ian gets his first lines in the movie shortly after when they have the scene from the book where he expresses questions over Wanderer’s loyalties to the aliens. At this point we have not actually seen WANDERER have questions over her loyalties to the aliens, because until being found by Jeb she was still planning on handing Melanie over to be disposed of, but whatever.

They shove in basically every scene from the books except the ones with Walter (the old man who dies of cancer) and the ones where she discusses the other alien species (thank fucking christ). But they go over them so fast and cut so much that we get absolutely no character development at all. Which is terrifying because I already thought there was none in the books, but somehow they manage to make there be even LESS. I have NO idea why Wanderer is suddenly on their side in the movie. At least in the books she CHOSE to go to them. Here she was forced to and she doesn’t seem to care for them as far as I can tell.

fucked-tumblr

Anyway Jared goes on his expedition and Jeb shows Wanderer the absolutely huge wheat field. Seeker flies overhead and so Wanderer helps them move the mirrors so they don’t give them away, and that’s how she wins them over. Because she didn’t try and stop them. She’s 80lbs soaking wet and there’s like, 40 of them. So Jeb gives her to Jamie as a pet (that’s kind of how it feels) and she starts to get comfortable, and all through this Ian doesn’t have another line yet. He’s not hanging out with her, they’re not talking, nothing. This is important.

She admits to Jamie that Melanie is in fact still alive while Jamie shows her a glow worm cave I’m not certain actually exists in that part of the world but I don’t care enough to look it up. Everybody cries and we’re supposed to be moved I guess.

Probably never

The movie cuts to Jared and the raiders and they’re going to all the places that they spend a stupid amount of time in the books talking about how they never go to because it’s too dangerous. And then Jared is made out to be a fucking sociopath when he sets a trap for one of the souls and knocks the guy out (who WAS NOT ATTACKING THEM) and stuffs him in their van for experimentation. I was kind of under the impression in the books that they only did this when they had no other way of escaping without hurting the aliens, but nope!  In the movie they just abduct people! In a way that comes off as coldly calculating and massively psychotic!

We switch back to the caves and suddenly Wanderer is crushing on Ian. Again, THEY HAVE NOT SPOKEN EVEN ONCE THAT THE MOVIE HAS SHOWN! NOT ONCE! Not even here!  They’re just making googly eyes at each other!  And Melanie is being a bitch about it too. She’s freaking out and telling Wanderer to stop even smiling at him. In the books the problem was that Ian was getting handsy with her body, here she’s just like ‘you’re not allowed to be friendly, bitch!’ And again, the humans are the assholes in this exchange.

Back to the raiders, the humans are speeding on the highway and thus the seekers try and stop them to inform them they are going over the speed limit and should be safer, and the humans SHOOT THEM WITH SHOTGUNS. Once again, the aliens were not at ALL being aggressive. No weapons, no ‘OMG HUMANS, CALLING BACKUP!’ they were ‘hey, you are speeding and that is dangerous! Please be safe!’ and the humans respond by opening fire and murdering them. And we’re supposed to feel bad for the humans when they’re stopped and then they kill themselves. Yeah, that happens too. They fucking drive into a brick wall at ramming speed and flatten themselves.  This scene is supposed to be tense and sad.  I found it psychotic and unnecessarily violent.

While Jared and Kyle are trying to get away in the second van they intercut the scene with Wanderer telling stories about how peaceful the aliens are while Kyle shoots them with his gun while the seekers continue to not shoot back. They’re about to successfully get away when there’s only one seeker left close enough to catch up, so Jared slams on the brakes and the seekers car gets totaled when he can’t stop in time. The guy lives, but can’t take chase. But instead of just, you know, speeding off like a sane person (and like the character in the book would have done because his priority was keeping everyone safe and alive) this version of Jared gets out of the truck to try and abduct the seeker!

I'm starting to worry the director may have issues

I’m starting to worry the director may have issues

The main Seeker with no name making this scene really confusing to discuss this way comes along. She grabs Kyle’s gun which he had dropped in the crash and opens fire, accidentally shooting the other seeker in the head before Jared can make off with him. She killed the seeker and looks horrified at herself and the weapon, hands shaking. And seriously, reread the last two or three paragraphs. HOW ARE THE HUMANS NOT THE VILLAINS IN THIS MOVIE!?

Some other seekers catch up and ask why she would pick up their weapons and use them, and she says they’re at war. The others say that, no, they’re not. The humans are so few in number they can just be left in peace without issue. THE ALIENS JUST WANT TO LEAVE THEM ALONE SO EVERYONE CAN BE HAPPY! If I had written this movie I would have fucking ended it with Wanderer becoming a peace envoy between the species and having the souls give them a city and open up trading between them! Have everyone live in peace, and have them intermingle and everyone gets to be fucking happy. The Earth stays the peaceful and technologically advanced place the aliens made it, and the remaining humans get to remain violent and horrible… I mean human… They get to remain human…

Totally what I meant...

Totally what I meant…

Anyway, finally Wanderer and Ian have some dialogue together and they are already madly in love with each other, and Ian is loving and respectful and kind. So, he’s a completely different character they just happened to give Ian’s name to. And Melanie is once again a bitch about it. To a very unreasonable degree.

Jared and Kyle come back, Jared does the kissing test scene and then just trusts her. But he somehow comes off as an even bigger prick in the movie than he did in the book. Possibly because the last scene we saw him in he was abducting someone who had no desire to hurt him, so he comes off as a sociopath.

The Kyle fight scene happens (yes, the scene changes are basically as abrupt as I’m writing them. I’m literally writing this while watching the movie) and somehow it’s even dumber than in the book. Despite that in the book it was 100% physically impossible. Here it’s just stupid. A probably 150-160lb man trying to toss a, in all seriousness no more than 90lb woman into a rushing river literally less than 3 feet away from where she was standing and she has nothing to grab onto except a wall. Not a pillar she can wrap her arms or legs around, a WALL. She manages to stop him but holding a WALL. And SOMEHOW he manages to basically throw HIMSELF into the water.

nope

She saves him and the ‘tribunal’ is just a fight in the doctor’s office. It’s over in less than 2 minutes. Ian takes Wanderer out of the caves and confesses his feelings to her and of course she returns them completely right away. (Just now while re-reading this for editing/gifing realized that there was no ‘hey we’re back!  WTF why is Wanderer free now?!’ scene… So Kyle’s hatred of her makes even less sense.  Back to editing!) Wanderer has no feelings for Jared at all in this version (which makes sense because he’s a massive dick) and Melanie keeps trying to convince her that she doesn’t love Ian, she loves Jared instead, and stops them from kissing by just yelling at her a lot. Again, in the book this was justified, here it just comes off as cruel. While I understand Melanie not wanting to kiss someone other than Jared and she is stuck there, she doesn’t make a moral argument, she just threatens to hurt him and yells about how she should love Jared instead, which she also flipped out at her over in the kissing Jared scene!

make up your mind

We cut back to Seeker, and she’s clearly struggling to maintain control of her own host body. She still has Kyle’s gun, and is clearly plotting to go find them. Then it’s back to the caves.

Jamie is missing (scene starts and Wanderer wonders where Jamie is, no lead up at all.  It’s incredibly clunky and very woodenly acted on everyone’s part so the entire scene feels weird and out of place, like they were doing a test run, going through a bullet point version of the scene to get the lighting right and just decided they didn’t have time to film the actual scene), then he shows up apropos of nothing and says he’s fine, he cut himself but Doc cleaned him up and sent him away. This is obviously setting up for the dead aliens scene, but in the books this made sense because Jared is just getting back from a second raid. Here, she’s already been to the hospital since they brought the aliens in. Where were they when she was in the hospital earlier? Why are they only just starting to experiment on them now, days or maybe even WEEKS later?  Whatever, she sees the dead baby aliens and freaks out and banishes Melanie from her head and holes up.

In this version Ian gives her her space and leaves her be instead of disobeying her wishes and getting all up in her space. After a few days Jeb comes and gives her the speech and she explains that they’re stupid for trying to take them out that way, that it’ll never work and they’re horrible for trying. And like in the book she doesn’t really forgive them, just moves on because Jamie is more hurt. At no point in this movie does she actually seem to believe that the humans are in the right, she just kind of grows to like certain individuals. In the book Meyer at least TRIED to make it SOUND like Wanderer was starting to see their side of things, but scenes are going by so fast that there’s nothing at all. Whatever.

Whatever

She panics and tries to get Melanie back because ‘I can’t do this without you’, which is, deal with sick Jamie, and does the whole ‘Ian, kiss me!’ thing. Only in this version he doesn’t protest at all, he just kisses her, which is a little worse actually. But moving on. Ian goes to get Jared and Jared gets Melanie back. None of these scenes last more than a minute. Not exaggerating. I am taking longer to write these paragraphs than the scenes are lasting. This is the first time a scene has taken longer to play out than it has for me to write about it, and that’s only because I basically skipped the whole thing since it’s pretty much the same as the book.

Jared kinda starts dry humping her though. That’s a little weird.  This wakes her up and she smacks him and gets mad at Wanderer again.

Wanderer tells them they need alien medicine to save Jamie and the guys just trust her and take her to a hospital. She stabs herself with Jared’s knife and goes into the hospital. Melanie gives her encouragement, but everything goes the same as in the book, meaning there was no reason to be tense or panicked at all because no one is even the tiniest bit suspicious.

scott-pilgrim-bored-party

Wanderer finds some empty transport pods on her way out and grabs them. For no reason. None.

They try and make the healing Jamie scene really tense but they’re still playing calm violin music in the background as they have in EVERY scene Wanderer is in and we already saw how fast it worked on Wanderer so how is there any tension? Jamie wakes up, cracks a joke, dissolve cut to Wanderer shopping in a store.

They head back to the caves (seriously, the transition from Jamie waking up, to her shopping, to getting back to the caves was faster than I could type the paragraph before this one) and Seeker is there with Kyle’s gun and shoots someone who didn’t even have a single line of dialogue before getting shot in the shoulder herself.

who-the-hell-cares-gif

Then, again, just as goddamn fast, Wanderer is talking to her in the cell and Seeker exposits her modus operandi and Wanderer then decides to use the cases she picked up at the hospital. Which makes her having picked them up at the hospital apparently an act of precognition.

Up to this point Melanie hasn’t said a single nice thing about Wanderer. Not. One. She has just yelled at her and spat hatred at her. But in the very next scene Wanderer is talking about killing herself and Melanie is all ‘NO! You can stay! I looove you!’ obviously paraphrased.

Apparently the guy who died was named Wes. I was right. Good to know.

No one likes her plan, but they go with it anyway. She teaches Doc how to remove the souls from the hosts. The answer is literally love. LITERALLY. SHE SAYS THAT. IT’S FUCKING LOVE.

puking_rainbows_gravity_falls_looped

And again the violin orchestra plays the sappy tune that is supposed to make us think they’re all beautiful and wonderful creatures. ARE the humans the villains in this movie? Maybe they are and I’m just misunderstanding.

Seeker’s host’s name is Lacy and she’s so happy she’s free that she cries, talking about how horrible it was to be trapped and screaming when no one could hear here, so I guess the aliens are the bad guys? Fucked if I know.

Jamie tries to talk Wanderer into keeping Melanie’s body, and that comes off as pretty horrible to me, personally. Melanie tells Wanderer he’s right, and that she needs to stay, Wanderer says she can’t. She is suddenly on the side of the humans and thinks that everything the aliens have done is horrible and I don’t really get why… There’s no motivation on Wanderer’s part at all. You can argue that she has one based on the character in the books, but she’s NOT the Wanderer from the books. To anyone that doesn’t know what’s going on, they’re just left to assume she thinks the people are right, except the whole movie makes the people look WRONG. It confirms EVERYTHING Wanderer argues to Melanie at the start of the movie as being accurate. With the exception of the Seeker, all of the aliens we see are 100% non-violent, even to their enemies, and the only person they infect during the course of the whole movie is Melanie who would have died if they hadn’t saved her. And they even say they’ll leave the remaining humans alone because they don’t WANT to fight them!

Anyway, there’s a tearful goodbye to Ian who in the books literally beats her for trying to leave him, but here he just cries and hopes she’ll be happy in her next life. Melanie calls Wanderer her sister. Melanie’s motivation for this change in attitude is as unclear as Wanderer’s… And I really don’t understand why Wanderer wants to die in this version at all. She tells Melanie she doesn’t want to go on without her because she loves her, but WHY?! Melanie has done nothing but yell at her and make her life miserable!

post-35236-I-dont-get-it-gif-Jonah-Hill-I-wgZR

They put Wanderer in a new body that is somehow even tinier than Melanie’s, which makes no sense because I didn’t think that was physically possible since Melanie is already just a skeleton with skin (seriously, you can literally see the outline of her bones through her not even super tight clothing.  I would be terrified to hug her for fear of snapping her in two). But at least she’s not in a child’s body like she is in the book. Her and Ian go on a date in the rain and then onto the stupid epilogue where they meet other humans/converted aliens. Jeb does a closing monologue about how different humans are from any of the other species the souls have taken over. End of movie. They play Radioactive by Imagine Dragons and I am sad because I like that song.

GOD THAT WAS AWFUL.

So glad it’s done. Never watch this movie. It’s not even fun bad. It’s just BAD. It’s badly written, it’s badly acted, the cg cave looks dumb, and it’s paced so poorly that it feels like a whole 2 hours passed without anything actually happening somehow. Much like the book in that sense… yet somehow actually dumber.

Anyway, Thursday I’m going to try and post an original piece if I can get my ideas to pan out and then next week I’ll post something for the first Twilight book. The Llama posted her first chapter by chapter review of it to show why it’s so boring it’s not worth breaking down that way though so go check that out too.

Till next time!

The Host Review: Chapter Forty-Two: Bait and Switch

Sorry people. I really didn’t want to give up, but after writing the review for this chapter 4 times only to have it get lost through my own stupidity or computer error, I just couldn’t stomach reading it again. So I stopped for a while hoping maybe some distance would make me able to try once more. But then I found myself feeling guilty writing anything own because I felt like I should get this done, which made me resent the book even more, which led to a vicious cycle of not getting a damn thing done ever. Then there were a lot of personal things going on distracting me even more and getting me kind of depressed, but they’re really not things I want to share here. Suffice to say I haven’t forgotten about this goddamn book though.

Which brings me to what I’m going to do with it. I can’t bring myself to review the rest of the book. I just can’t. I need to look at something new. Maybe someday I’ll come back and finish it, but right now every time I open it up to try and write that goddamn chapter a 5th fucking time all of a sudden grass growing is absolutely goddamn FASCINATING. So I won’t be finishing The Host. If you want in depth breakdowns of the rest of the chapters The Llama did finish it (and then set it on fire on her deck) and you can check it out there, but I’ll summarize the rest.

We left off with Wanderer trying to convince Ian to kiss her because Wanderer banished Melanie from her brain and then felt bad (not for Melanie or Jared though, just Jamie. She didn’t feel bad that she killed Melanie, she felt bad that she lied to her brother about it. Because Wanderer is a fucking horrible person. Never forget that) and the whole scene comes off as incredibly dumb, horrible and a lot uncomfortable. Eventually Ian gets her to explain what the fuck is going on, so he goes and gets Jared who fixes everything because of course it’s that easy.

Wanderer wants to go get alien medicine to fix Jamie’s wound (which would have been fine if anyone in this universe had half a brain, but then there would be no drama so whatever) but no one will let her go. Jared kidnaps her in the middle of the night after everyone goes to sleep and takes her to go get alien medicine for Jamie. It goes without any issues whatsoever because of things that are incredibly contradictory and make no sense and plot convenience, and Jamie lives and everyone is happy except Ian who hates that Wanderer has newfound freedom.

Wanderer starts helping the people on raids, which are now simplified to ‘go to a grocery store, walk in, walk back out’, and everyone complains that they’re bored because fuck living comfortably, risking your lives and the future of your species as a whole is so much more fun! Wanderer gets racist some more despite more claims of not being racist while totally being racist, Seeker invades their home and kills one of the humans and injures another. Wanderer talks to her and decides she (Wanderer, not Seeker, though her too) needs to give up her human host and die. For absolutely no goddamn reason whatsoever.

Wanderer uses this decision to finally reveal the tantalizing secret she’s been keeping through the whole book (oooooh, can’t you tell I was riveted?!) and it’s what I called from the beginning, she knows how to take the aliens out of their host bodies. Which, you know, we kind of could have guessed since Meyers says right in the fucking epilogue that ANYONE can remove the fucking things if they have to.

She teaches the people how to do it but makes them promise to not kill the aliens they remove, but instead send them out into space to planets so far away that they’ll not get there for a few centuries. Absolutely no one figures out she plans to remove herself except Jared. When it finally gets out, Ian physically attacks her while everyone just stands around and lets him. Eventually he consents to let her decide what to do with her own goddamn body, despite trying to convince her that Melanie doesn’t need it anymore. And Melanie clearly has stockholme syndrome because she too tries to convince Wanderer that she’s more valuable to them than Melanie is.

Eventually she goes through with it, but instead of killing her like she made them promise, they found a new body to put her in. A child’s body. Not joking. Technically mid-teens, but still. It’s really creepy and there’s some minor pedophilia vibes coming off the ending of the book, and not so subtle hints that Ian gets him some jailbait tail. Like I said, creepy.

The book ends with an epilogue of them finding another band of surviving humans who have connections with other bands of surviving humans, and their own ‘gone native’ alien. And everyone lives happily ever after. The fucking end.

Somehow that takes damn near 20 chapters. 20 chapters of rage and anger. I hate this book. I have never hated a book as much as I hate this book, and I have already read the first 50 Shades book. Which I will be covering by the way. But first things first! I will do a write up on the god awful movie for this stupid book because I fucking watched that thing you are going to have to hear about it goddammit.

As for Twilight, which was the next planned book after this one, The Llama has already read the entire series and said that the entire first book can pretty much be summed up by ‘and the stupid whiney teenager bitches about the weather. And then bitches about the weather some more. And then bitches about the weather some more.’ So there’s really just not enough to talk about. We will both do up reviews for each book as a whole and then it’s accompanying movie. After that we’ll move on to 50 Shades, which at least actually does have things to talk about in every chapter, even if they are almost as rage inducing as the crap in this book, at least it’s different.

So, yeah, sorry about this, I really did want to finish it, and maybe someday I will, but for now I just want to try and get back into writing SOMETHING again, and I can’t do it as long as that book is hanging over my head. And as you can see all you missed was me going ‘WHY WON’T THEY ALL DIE?!’ over and over again while nothing at all happened. Even the parts that sounded like something interesting may have been happening, I assure you nothing interesting happened. The bit where Seeker kills someone happens 100% off screen and all of the characters respect Wanderer too much to even seek revenge, because that’s TOTALLY how that would work. There’s almost an entire chapter with them just watching alien TV and complaining about how boring it is. This book is just so fucking much nothing. And yet I could talk about a problem with damn near every goddamn word choice. It’s fucking ridiculous.

If you do like this book, I’m sorry, but I have no idea how. I can’t imagine how anyone could actually enjoy it. It’s shallow, it’s stupid, the relationships are abusive, the characters are unlikeable, the science makes no sense at all, the plot is paced so slow a snail would look fast by comparison… I just do not get it.

Oh, in case you were curious, the one that dies is the guy we were supposed to feel happy got hooked up with the girl we didn’t know. That’s another big problem with this book, none of the characters outside the main that we were supposed to remember and care about in some way were at all memorable. I had to remind myself who they were on a regular basis and I was doing in depth analysis on this fucking book. How the hell did anyone know who the fuck they were talking about when they WEREN’T analyzing every fucking sentence?! Wess? Was that his name? I think it was Wess. I looked it up because I didn’t want to reread that chapter AGAIN to try and remember, but even the Wikipedia entry didn’t care enough to mention him by name.

Whatever, the book is terrible. I hate it. And I wish I had a physical copy to set on fire like Llama did. I also wish she had recorded it burn to post online.

See you Tuesday with a write up on the worst movie I’ve actually sat through. And not the fun kind of bad, just the bad kind of bad. It’s just terrible. Really really terrible.

Till next time!